Meeting held in Chinatown to dispel myth that SARS can be contracted by only Asians -- The meeting was successful, and closed with a unanimous declaration that despite SARS, Asians are still better at math than anyone else. Tony Blair takes time out from war to record lines for The Simpsons-- In other news, Saddam Hussein was voted off American Idol. Bush to read student proposals -- The Stanford Daily writes editorial referencing Daily Pennsylvanian joke issue story, insists Bush should really read student proposals. In related news, Penn for Peace ended the war yesterday. Man with haircut fetish sentenced to eight years in prison -- Seems 48 year old Michael Lynn Howard was caught after going to a parking lot and cutting the hair of six women. Apparently, he was sexually aroused by the sound of scissors cutting hair. Which is funny, since we've always been sexually aroused by cybersex with underaged midget amputees. Pakistani government blocks porn sites -- Well, time to cancel my year with Penn in Pakistan. Masked wrestler wins seat in local Japanese assembly, vows to keep mask on -- It's times like this that we're glad we live in America, where no one would ever vote for anyone with no qualifications -- like, say, a former actor who co-starred with a chimp, or a former cokehead minority owner of a professional baseball team who got everything in life from his daddy. Yup, sure am glad to be an American. Love it or leave it, that's what we say. Sony tries to trademark the phrase "Shock and Awe," for use as a video game title -- Nintendo's new "Super Firebombing of Dresden 2: Death by Asphyxiation" comes out in June.

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