Penn Vice Provost and Library Director turns himself in for suspected child porn -- Ironically, this finally proves that the Internet is better than a library for finding material you want. Philadelphia woman and boyfriend convicted after becoming too physical in 12 year old's sex education -- Which is too bad, because Street always wanted our sex ed. teacher to demonstrate more often. Inventor finds a way to turn a cell phone into a vibrator -- Street's phones haven't stopped ringing! Madonna's new album panned by critics -- Which leads us to the question: when, exactly, is the last time a Madonna album was any good? Man accuses woman breast-feeding on airplane of terrorism -- In related news, Mardi Gras is cancelled next year, after it was discovered that it was really just a terrorist front. Penn to buy more wind power -- Reportedly, all the wind will be harnessed by turbines attached to the dueling tampons in Superblock. Four Greek organizations in trouble for hazing -- Hold on, hold on. Greek organizations haze? With alcohol? My God. What is Penn coming to? Four girls in Africa attacked by Baboons who wanted their water -- The White House has refused comment, despite the fact that there were nearby American soldiers who decided to protect oil wells instead.

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