Follow your nose to 107 Rodney in Spruce College House where the odors of Febreze, AXE Body Spray and day-old heroin addict will fill your nostrils and soothe your soul. Once there, freshmen residents Greg Goodman of Bloomfield Hills, Mich., and J. Sebastian Apud of Potomac, Md., will treat you to a night of feasting and sport, the likes of which you will never forget.
Hey, can we interview you for 34th Street?
Greg: Sure, come in and smell this place. Tell me what you smell.
What?
G: Under the Febreze, what do you smell?
Uh...
G: Bum?
What?
G: We had a bum sleep in my bed last night. She was really nice and I felt bad for her. So we let her sleep here.
Sebastian: She was more than just a bum. She was a heroin addict.
So where'd you pick her up?
G: I was just walking around and I met her and started talking.
How did it go from "Hi, I'm a heroin bum," to "Would you like to sleep at my place?"
G: Well, we were just talking. She was telling me her life story and I felt bad for her.
S: There were a couple of drinks involved.
G: Yeah, I was pretty drunk. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
What was her life story?
G: She's 26 years old and she's been on heroin since she was 12 because her father was one of the big heroin dealers of the '70s. But her father's dead now and her mom's a crazy anti-drug hippie woman. She has a two year old boy named River.
Who slept with her?
G: She slept in my bed and I slept on the floor.
I see that your sheets are gone. Are they being washed or burned?
G: Washed a lot of times. We don't want to resort to burning until we know we have to.
S: I didn't know about this until this morning. I was in bed with a girl and he walked in with a bum and I was like, "Oh shit." I was like, "Can you give me like half an hour?" Anyway, I thought the bum was just some fat chick trying to take advantage of him. I didn't know she was a heroin addict.
So you kicked this other girl out of your bed?
S: No, I kicked him out.
So who was the girl you were with?
S: Just some girl. She had a home, don't worry.
Does she have a son?
S: No, no.
Will she after last night?
S: No, she won't. We didn't do that.
Why is there a bagel on top of your candelabra?
G: Oh, that's contemporary. Oh and next to that we have some selective reading here. The Joys of Motherhood and Venereal Diseases. It depends if the chick is hot or not. If she's hot we show her The Joys of Motherhood and try to persuade her that way. If she's ugly we pull out Venereal Diseases.
S: We have these chairs and imported crackers and brie and some other things we can't put on the record for when we bring a sophisticated girl home.
Wine?
S: Yes.
G: Glen Allen 2001. A very good year for a very bad wine.
S: We have this plant, Moses, for aesthetic value.
Why is it named Moses?
G: Cause the type of plant is called Wandering Jew.
How do you think Gandhi would feel about a poster of him being sandwiched in between posters of two bands, The Dead Kennedys and Operation Ivy?
G: Oh, he's cool with it. I feel that I can safely say that Gandhi wouldn't have a problem with it. I'm a Southeast Asian Regional Studies major... Oh no, I forgot to wash the bum's pants! These are the pants I let the bum wear and now they smell like shit.
How many non-bum ladies have slept in here?
G: Since school started, maybe five or six.
Each?
G: No, collectively. We're keeping a joint tally. It makes us feel better. Before the year is over we want to get some twins.
S: Yeah, twins.
What'd you do last night before the bum experience?
G: I was at some Desi party and was dancing with some Indian girls. Then I brought home the bum.
S: Yeah, Indian girls are hot.
G: I've been pulling him along to all the Indian parties because there are all these hot Indian girls.
So you two have matching toothbrushes and holders?
S: What happened is that my mom came and brought me a blue toothbrush holder and a white cup. We happened to have the same toothbrush.
G: And I was leaving my toothbrush [on the table] and she was really upset about that.
S: My mom asked me, "Should I send him a toothbrush holder?" I said, "No, it's OK," but she still sent me a box with some beef jerky and then a matching blue cup and white toothbrush holder.
G: Now we have a matching set. It's like a 'his and hers.' Except we're both guys.
S: My mom called and was like, "Did he like it? Did he like it?" I was like, "Sure, why not?"
You guys have an awful lot of AXE Body Spray.
S: Yeah, that's all mine. I'm from Argentina and those were huge in Argentina a few years ago.
Actually, you're from Maryland.
S: I was born in Argentina.
Does AXE work as well as advertised?
S: I haven't been laid, but if you wear this one, Voodoo, everyone tells you that you smell nice. You guys can use some if you want.
No thanks. I'm not into black magic.
