CAVEAT: The views expressed in the following belong only to the individuals submitting the ads, and do not necessarily reflect the views of 34th Street Magazine and its editors. FYI: All of these are real.
To the blonde girl who sits next to me in M&A: You are a big slut-bucket! Yes, you heard me right...A BUCKET OF SLUT!
Mer, your history class despises you; we'd be indescribably grateful if you just shut the fuck up and never, EVER spoke again, you snobbish, patronizing, low-talking, ass-kissing, awful, awful, awful bitch.
Freshman baseball player and girl who was naked in Danny's bed Saturday: We're sorry we barged in and fucked with you while you were hooking up. But not really, it was fun.
Eian, look in the fucking mirror! You're white, not FILIPINO! So stop dancing with the PPA!
Hey u Blondie, I still have your red scarf from last year so stop by and let's choose love.
If you find yourself eating lettuce with mustard for lunch and going to the gym after every meal, there's something seriously wrong. Stop dressing your skinny ass in overpriced shirts from Smith Brothers, eat a bagel, go to Marshalls and join the real world...
To my fellow pre-meds: Loosen up!
Dark-haired girl in Music Theory: Forget Chopin. Let's make some beautiful music of our OWN tonight at my place. Wait around after class today if you're interested.
Dear soup station clean-up lady at Houston Hall: I heart you.
Hey you who randomly found a digital camera this weekend: That camera with like 30+ pictures of hot girls--it's gonna be one week that you've had it, and it's time to hand it back. Stealing's for losers, and you're a cool kid. A cool kid who's gonna hand the camera back to the Hamilton info desk and say it's for "Kim." Are you with me?
To my obscenely homoerotic group of friends: I am sick of seeing you naked at parties.
Jimmy: We are not best friends. In fact, we aren't really friends at all. I don't even know you. Please stop.
Dear Cattle Prod: I know you've been lonely lately. Winter might be long and dry for us, but we gotta keep doing our exercises.
Peggy Curchack: Stop the madness. Every time I see your name I feel bad about myself. You are killing me. Really.
To the Intercoalition: Recognize that you don't represent all of us.
ATTN all white girls: stop being scared, I'm only Latino, and I DON'T discriminate. Grab my ass too.
Dear Rachel, we've been roommates for some time now and I don't know how to say it, but I love you. I love your manly ways and your manly jeans. I love the way you dance, especially when you booty pop. I can only hope that you feel the same.
Boy with the mohawk in my film class: the studious redhead with secretary glasses is not as conservative as you think. Ask me out. You'll see.
To the vodka-gimlet girl: Proper bar edict states: 1) Never argue with your bartender. Maybe the country club makes them a little stronger for mommy. 2) Do not grab your bartender; I am not a caged animal. 3) Never charge a $3 drink to your daddy's credit card, take a few bills out of your Jessica Simpson-Louis Vuitton and pay for the drink yourself!
Prof F: your class makes me want to drill a pencil through my eye. Thanks to the boy in the yellow Cerveza Imperial t-shirt, though, he keeps me distracted. *Thank you boy in yellow!!!--shy girl*
Hey people who leave their stuff on desks in Van Pelt before taking 3 hours to eat lunch and socialize: OTHER PEOPLE NEED STUDY SPACE TOO.
Quit the blow: it's not making you thin, funny or turning you into the Pablo Escobar your parents once were.
To my lychees: You might confuse the Indian flag with the Mexican flag, but you still rock, brown style!
Males of this school: why do you always assume girls want a relationship? You'd be surprised to find how many of us would love to have a friend with benefits. We're not asking you to call us all the time, just that you show genuine interest, a little effort, a little exchange. It makes it so much more fun. Otherwise, what's the point? We get ourselves off better than you can anyway.
FUCK YOU STREET! and your stupid Cultural Elite list. I mean, I was fucking named after Socrates. Isn't that cultural enough!
Nate H: we stole your mattress sophomore year.
Anne-Marie K: You are living proof that you don't need more than a typo-plagued self-published textbook, a 1.26 Penn Course Review rating and a stint on Family Feud to be a Wharton professor. Survey says, YOU SUCK.
Butt sweats are for lesbians and anti-Semites.
Hey Begs: We miss the good old high school days. How about this Saturday, you drive, one of us will get the pepperoni, the other one will get the cheese? Just like old times. Good luck tomorrow, buddy.
To the girl I got with Sophomore year who kept grunting like she was taking a crap when we were making out: That sucked. And you're uggles.
Max the pseudo-hippy with wavy hair: stop saying hello to me. You suck and your hair makes you look like a mayo-tard. Go back to Delaware.
Hey girls who don't wear thongs under tight pants: you look like you have four ass cheeks. I hate you.
To the girl I may or may not be dating: Less than three.
Girl in Kings Court who flirts with me when she's drunk: Why won't you acknowledge me when you're sober? I tell you you're adorable... What else can I say? You ignore me despite the multiple times we've shown some attraction. I still think you're amazing though.
Newsflash: Men, under NO circumstances, look good wearing a woman's headband.
Hey guy who wears all that Burberry: Why you wear so much Burberry?
Dear bitches who wear sorority hats: please cut that shit out. As if I couldn't already tell which ho-house you belong to by the method with which you arrange your slutty ensemble. Can't we all agree that walking around covering your fake-ass tinted mops with hats that say "EAT" or depict three identical mountains is taking it a little too far? It's you skanks that shot Warhol and I won't never forget it!
You were my RA last year: You suck dick and hook up with freshmen girls when they are so drunk they don't remember losing their virginity to you. We love you.
To the dickwad who stole my vibrator: give it back, fucker. It's not funny. And hey roommate, if I find out it was you who took it, I'm outing you to your parents. Seriously.
Dinter: the last four years you have repeatedly tried to reinvent yourself, never successfully. Get a haircut, shave your beard and for God's sake learn how to use a condom.
To OFSA: Newsflash: College kids drink. Get over it before Larry Moses hurts himself while bending over to kiss Reikofski's ass. Or is it the other way around? Love, Your Secret Admirer.
To the genius who sits in the front row of COMM 130: I was wondering if you've been accepted into Mensa. I mean, before you I had never heard of things like "NAPSTER," "DISNEY" or "RADIO." You see I've been living in a cave for the last 21 years and am so glad that you've been able to single-handedly catch me up on everything.
To the girl who laughs at 34th Street every week: Tim likes you more than just friends.
Yo hockey girls: stop entering Commons with cum on your face. We only play fast on the ice.
To all the complaining Cultural Un-elites: too fucking bad. Join a sorority.
It's not that we consciously excluded you, your name was never even considered. You win the award for Big Bitch on Campus. And FYI, asshole: we got over the White Stripes three years ago.
Seriously. Move. Your. Damn. Car. Flash your lights all you want, your car is still right in the middle of the street. I don't give two shits how late your movies are. Maybe if you had left more time, you wouldn't have to drive to The Video Library and leave your shit in the road. Get out.
Would it kill the University to spend, like, even $20 on the Music building?
Hey Marketing Brunette, stop touching your hair all the time! You are freaking everyone out!
Hey all you campus queers: stop denying that I exist.
Since dropping out of Wharton, you should consider becoming the madame of a whorehouse because soon it'll be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. The coat doesn't make up for the red bumps, and though you may be a fob, you're still white trash.
"College boys" wanting to be "college men": You cannot have your cake and eat it too--if she forgives you once and gives you another chance, and you still don't call after a lovely night spent together, you are officially a worthless pussy.
ATTN fat guy who always runs at Pottruck on the fifth treadmill in: Stop wearing purple spandex.
Eurotrash: We're not in Europe. And this country already has enough trash. Do us all a favor and get rid of the intentionally ripped jeans and the Michael Jackson gloves.
Eurotrash: You're not European. We went to the same high school.
To the girls who chat on their cell phones in the Rosengarten ladies room: Although I realize you get good reception in there, I also realize that YOU'RE SOCIALIZING NEXT TO 10 TOILETS, and thus, violating the defecator's right to drop a stack in relative privacy.
Tucker: Are you gay? I love you.--C.
WTF? Are we still dating or not? If we are, call me. If not, have the balls to break up with me.
Girl that eats carrots in class: are you for real?
Babies sliding down the button: Stop it. People have sex on that thing. It's disgusting. Come back when you're eleven.
