Hi.
I'm the new editor-in-chief. Apparently, this is a good thing for me. According to a former section editor on staff here, it will help me to meet nice, wholesome girls who will believe (wrongly, I might add) that I'm both artsy and directed. OK, that's not how she said it, but my impeccable journalistic credentials prevent me from divulging what she actually said. (Oh, fuck it. She said I would, "get tons of pussy." Sorry, Mom.)
So I figured I'd take this opportunity to introduce myself -- kind of a free personal ad aimed at any nice Jewish girls looking for a mensch. I'm 6'1", 180 lbs., brown hair, hazel eyes, 36C-32-36. My turn-ons include long and romantic walks on the beach, Danielle Steele novels, women of questionable moral character and getting this magazine done in time to go home and watch the new episode of South Park with my housemates. My turn-offs are obnoxious people, excessive body hair and hard work. E-mail me at streetdailypennsylvanian.com for a good time.
But someone else deserves a personal ad, too -- someone far more important than me. Hell, they might even rate a video dating ad with star wipes. That someone is 34th Street Magazine, because it's new and different and, we hope, improved. For one thing, we've moved the humor section, Voice, to the back of the magazine. Why, you ask? Because you all are idiots. Because you didn't believe that our interviews with celebrities like Patrick Swayze, Robin Williams, John Travolta, dead prez and the Roasty Toasty guy were real. Let's get something clear here, folks: everything in this magazine is true. Except for the stuff we make up.
Also, we got rid of Culture and Stijl and we're replacing them with two new sections, Food and Drink and TV, which we think will work better since, hell, no one at Penn is cultured or knows the obscure reference we used to name Stijl.
And, hey, if you want to get involved, you're more than welcome. Come to our weekly writer's meeting this Thursday at a new time, 6pm, at 4015 Walnut Street. I'm giving out a special treat for the first 10 people to arrive. Staff members of the Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. and their families are not eligible, of course. And listen, don't worry if you're not qualified to work for Street -- none of us are either.
I apologize for the totally unfunny letter this week -- sometimes you just gotta take care of business, knaamean?
Snootchie bootchies,
