Snow days are a lost cause -- the stuff of legend and the Simpsons. We at Street have resigned ourselves to getting out of bed in the morning, even when Weatherbug posts a picture of an igloo on the day's forecast, and there's frost on the inside of our windows. Penn is much too proactive to cut us some slack here, even for just a day or two.
Think about it: the number you dial half-asleep from under your goose down comforter the morning after a burst of inclement weather? 898-MELT. Not 898-SNOW. Not 898-NO SCHOOL. No, it's those four letters, by some evil design, that crush all of our most treasured hopes and dreams. Why, Penn? Why do you put us down?
See, Street is all about solidarity, especially in the wintertime when your body heat can keep us warm. Street doesn't want to see you down, so in the spirit of the season, here are some tips on how to walk:
1. Pick your feet up. Walking isn't like Tom-Cruising across a freshly-waxed floor. In fact, much of the point of walking is to not slide, and ice is like a freshly-waxed floor, only without the living room couch to break your fall.
2. Put one foot in front of the other. Don't let one foot stray too far or keep too close. Finding the right distance between feet is key. It should be comfortable, but not silly-looking. Don't be ashamed to practice in the mirror, or in front of your roommates. In normal weather conditions, Street usually maintains a distance of approximately 14-22 inches between the toe of one foot and the heel of the other. In snow or ice, the distance between feet should vary strategically, depending on the position of any snow banks or patches of ice on the route.
3. Watch out for black ice -- ice you can't see. How do you know it's there if you can't see it? You just have to kind of know. It's like a sixth sense. Did you ever see that movie? Bruce Willis never fell down.
4. Don't slip on the ice.
5. Traction, traction, traction. It doesn't really matter. If your shoes are cool enough people will be so busy admiring them, they won't notice you are sprawled out on the ground at the bottom of the 38th St. bridge.
6. Don't walk with your hands in your pockets. Unless, of course, you cut holes inside of them. Not that Street does that or anything.
7. Choose a route based on wind direction. Always walk with the wind, because when the wind chill gets into the single digits, we guarantee wherever you're going isn't worth trudging against the wind. Unless there's an open bar.
8. Memorize this comprehensive list of major potholes, slippery manholes and subway vents -- wait, did someone say open-bar?
9. Little kids. Avoid them at all costs. They have no regard for safety and will pelt you with snowballs every chance they get. Proper etiquette dictates that you should not pelt them back, but rather, shout in their general direction, "There is no Santa Claus!"
10. If someone around you slips and falls, first ensure that you are clear out of the way to avoid a potential domino effect. Then, quickly survey the situation. Ask the victim if they are OK before handing them a flyer for your a capella show. If first aid is necessary, wow, that really sucks for them. Notify the victim that your show is wheelchair accessible.
