Street writes to Bill Cooper, President of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club
Dear Mr. Cooper:
Let's be frank.
I'll even start us off. Here is my biggest secret: once, I parked in a handicapped spot at the mall parking lot. Then, on the way out, I drove directly into the handicapped car in front of me, and left a post-it note on the dent that said, "I saw a cripple hit your car." As I peeled away, I saw a little blind girl come out of JCPenney pushing an elderly woman in a wheelchair.
It was bad, I know. But now it's your turn to confess.
I'll even make it easy on you. I don't want to know how old Punxsutawney Phil really is, even though I did some research, and it turns out Phil's current alleged age outnumbers the longest known lifespan for a groundhog in captivity by 108 years. As I said before, I'm willing to let that slide.
I'm not going to ask what you put in that "groundhog punch" that you say is the secret to Phil's longevity. I'll forget for now that your Inner Circle is comprised entirely of old white men. We'll save that one for later.
Just fess up: You don't really speak "Groundhogese." In fact, "Groundhogese" isn't even a real thing.
For quite some time now, I have had my own reservations about this "language" that only the current president of the Inner Circle (you) can understand. What about the past presidents? What happens to the past presidents that makes them forget a whole "language?" Senility? Alzheimer's? Those mind-eraser-flashy-things from Men In Black? Where are your RayBans? It just doesn't add up.
As far as I can tell, there isn't really that much to "Groundhogese." I've been watching some old footage from up on Gobbler's Knob, and the groundhog just doesn't seem interested in talking about anything but the weather. All you really need to know is "winter" and "spring." And "shadow," but that part is mostly visual, and once you get that, the other two words come pretty easy.
Look, I took Intro to Psych last semester, so I am qualified to offer you a bit of advice here, friend. Your whole thing with the "Groundhogese" and the top hats, it's a delusion of grandeur. I'm concerned for the welfare of the entire Inner Circle. Megalomaniacs, the lot of you. Possibly symptomatic of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, Oedipal complex, mania, and the worst personality disorders.
Also, it's possibly drug-induced.
Which reminds me, can you send me a sample of your "groundhog punch" care of 34th Street? Just a nightcap, don't go all out or anything.
Seek help, soon.
Your friend,
Ulysses Tambourine
