Easter Bunny
Occupation: Laying eggs
Hobbies: Rapid reproduction, stealing Jesus' thunder
Mortal enemy: Israel
Sexual position: Doo-Doo Rocket
Celebrity look-alike: Vince Vaughn
Favorite movie: Chocolat
Can't live without: March Madness
Place of birth: Beaches of Normandy
Analysis: C'mon, everyone knows bunnies lay golden eggs.
Santa Claus
Occupation: Breaking and entering
Hobbies: Checking things twice, judging children, enslaving Will Ferrell, Twinkies
Mortal enemy: Hanukkah Harry
Sexual position: G-Spot Jiggy
Celebrity look-alike: Burt Bacharach
Favorite movie: Amores Perros
Can't live without: Carbs
Place of birth: The Nile
Analysis: I killed a man and still got presents.
Tooth Fairy
Occupation: Disgruntled dental student
Hobbies: Collecting shark teeth and stamps
Mortal enemy: The Floss Fairy
Sexual position: The Soft Rock
Celebrity look-alike: Jude Law
Favorite movie: The Birdcage
Can't live without: Oral fixation
Place of birth: Mount Sinai Hospital
Analysis: All little kids are deep sleepers.
Leprechaun
Occupation: Perpetuating Irish stereotypes
Hobbies: Amateur meteorologist, corporate sell-out, bartending at O'Malley's
Mortal enemy: Protestants
Sexual position: Chicken Soup of the Sack
Celebrity look-alike: Colin Farrel
Favorite movie: Boondock Saints
Can't live without: Skittles
Place of birth: Ireland
Analysis: The so-called luck of the Irish: potato famines, cirrhosis of the liver, the IRA, Bono.
Bigfoot
Occupation: Debunking Yeti myths
Hobbies: Stomping around, solitaire
Mortal enemy: Kodak
Sexual position: The Amazing Butterfly
Celebrity look-alike: Charlize Theron
Favorite movie: The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon
Can't live without: Leaves of Grass
Place of birth: Millenium Falcon
Analysis: It's not safe to not wear shoes anymore, with like used hypos all over the ground and stuff. You know, AIDS and stuff.
Boogey monster
Occupation: Closeted
Hobbies: Hanging out
Mortal enemy: Puberty
Sexual Position: 69
Celebrity look-alike: John Lithgow
Favorite movie: Love Actually
Can't live without: Food, water, oxygen
Place of birth: Hoboken, NJ
Analysis: It's electric, boogie oogie oogie.
Unicorn
Occupation: Being a unicorn
Hobbies: Having only one horn, making phallic jokes, scratching backs
Mortal enemy: Noah
Sexual position: Now and Zen
Celebrity look-alike: The dog from Air Bud
Favorite movie: Rocky V
Can't live without: Rocky V
Place of birth: The Fourth Circle of Hell
Analysis: Not enough stabbings to justify existence.
Stork
Occupation: Vlassic pickle spokesperson
Hobbies: Gift-wrapping, baby-sitting, frog-gigging
Mortal enemy: Hot, unprotected sex. Between your parents.
Sexual Position: Control Your O
Celebrity look-alike: Fabrizio, the Strokes drummer
Favorite movie: Pleasantville
Can't live without: Strawberries
Place of birth: *brain explodes*
Analysis: Just wait until you accidentally walk in on them.
WWF
Occupation: BEING XTREME
Hobbies: Male bonding, but not in a gay way
Mortal enemy: American Gladiators
Sexual Position: Johnny Come Quickly
Celebrity look-alike: Vin Diesel
Favorite movie: Anything with Jean Claude Van Damme
Can't live without: The support of viewers like you
Place of birth: The Roman Baths
Analysis: Nobody wears belts that big.
The Neverending Story
Occupating: Telling a neverending story
Hobbies: When would it have time to have hobbies?
Mortal enemy: The credits
Sexual Position: Whatever Sting does
Celebrity look-alike: Cher
Favorite movie: The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter
Can't live without: Campusfood.com
Place of birth: The start of The Neverending Story
Analysis: All good things come to an end.
