Ahoy, me maties! For those of ye landlubbers who didn't know, less than a fortnight ago, this past Monday was National Talk Like a Pirate Day, or TLAPD for short. I decided that I wanted the full TLAPD experience, so for the past week I prepared to talk, walk, and be pirate. Arrr. I plundered me roommate's booty chest of CVS pirate costumes, and grabbed me eye patch and parrot. I didn't shower or shave for a whole week to get that natural pirate smell of the sea on me skin. Every pirate needs to be in tip-top shape, so I took to Pottruck early in the day in full pirate regalia to use the elliptical and scream, "Arrrrrr!" while lifting weights.

After being kicked out by security, I decided that pirates never go to class, so instead of learning about Wage Structures I waged a war on Locust Walk looking for advice on how to pick up lasses for the big pirate party later that night. College Sophomore Robert Havens often uses the line "Excuse me miss, but would ya like to go for a ride on the fastest vessel on all the seven seas? Arrr. One kiss and she'll be seaworthy." He says this works to varying degrees of success. Wharton Sophomore Joshua Gonzalez offered, "Is there an 'X' on the seat of your pants? Because it appears that there's wond'rous booty buried underneath."

Every TLAPD must be capped off with a party, and no pirate party is complete without homemade grog. Everyone knows that a pirate's greatest enemy is the ninja, and while we were enjoying our grog and merriment, ninjas (i.e. the GAs for my College House) began a furious attack involving write-ups and four-or-fewer posters. An epic battle waged between the pirates and the ninjas, but I blacked out, and the next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital screaming, "Arrrrrr!" I also noticed a medical eyepatch that was affixed to me left eye-port.

"That's gonna have to stay on for a while," said me doctor. So now, I'm stuck being a pirate with one eye for six-to-eight weeks. The overall lesson here? Arrr.