Moderated by Alf. We don't know why, either.
Alf: Welcome, friends. As an alien living far away from my home planet and native people, I eat cats. We're here today to discuss other matters. Karl, let's start with you. The college years can be a scary time. What advice would you give Penn students to remind them that everyone's equal on the inside?
Karl Marx: Absolutely none, Alf. Where is the proletariat at Penn? In the classroom? Hogwash! He's blowing the leaves off of Locust Walk so your oppressive feet don't get leafy. He's cooped up in the basement of Houston Hall making oppressive salads to please your leafy palates. Or he's dwelling in the urban ghettos that surround --
Alf: Thanks, Karl, err, for those relevant and appropriate words.
Bob Dylan: Geehhhwzz, uuoOOzzhh!
Alf: Yes, Bob?
Bob Dylan: Did he say leaf? You mean grass, man.
Karl: Grass? What is this grass?
Bob: You're talking about grass, man. Leaves are just blowin' in the wind.
Alf: Hmmm, Bob, I'm not sure I follow.
Bob Dylan: We're students, man, and it's a scary world out there. Government's explodin' the Middle East, enslaving workers in China, Karl, and you don't even care. The proletariat is nowhere. Jesus is twirling his hair. We're the youth and we've got the constitution for a little revolution.
Alf: Actually, Bob, you're 64. You're not really of the youth anymore. Though you were pretty great back in the day. I love Blonde on Blonde. Listen to it all the time.
Bob Dylan: Thanks for the Karma, Alf. GhzzemouEEh!
Karl Marx: I listened to Blonde on Blonde. I thought it was uninspired.
Alf: Well, I read the Communist Manifesto and thought it was na‹¨«vely utopian.
Jesus Christ: I preach love.
Karl: It will be utopia when the workers rise up!
Alf: See? Isn't he na‹¨«ve?
Bob: He is what he is, man.
Karl: Utopian!
Alf: Na‹¨«ve!
Karl: Utopian!
Alf: Nai-
Jesus: Rainbow?
Alf: Jesus, please don't interru-
Jesus: I'm sorry, my friend. My love fills oceans and moves mountains, but right now I sense tension in the room. Let us love together. How about a joke? OK, here goes: Why did Karl Marx get in trouble during grade school?
Bob: Who knows, man?
Karl: This had better be good.
Jesus: ... because he socialized too much! Get it? My Father told me that one. He's got a great sense of humor.
Karl: Quiet, you self-loathing Jew. Your "love" allows the bourgeoisie to practice domination and enslavement. I preach revolution because that is the only means to collective liberation.
Bob: Yeah, man, but what about the government, man? I mean, man, man, what about the madmen, man, in Washington? Manifestos don't put food on the table. What are the people in Africa-land going to eat tomorrow? Ouzow!
Alf: Are there no cats left?
Karl Marx: Jesus Christ! You ea-
Jesus: Yes?
Karl Marx: No, not you. Well, you, but as an exclamation. You know, "Jesus!" Lord's name in vain, Commandments, yada yada yada. I digress. Alf, you pig, why would you eat cats?
Jesus: Slacken thy haste, brother Karl. Alf eats cats. You do not. You must see Alf for Alf, not Alf for Karl.
Bob: I once made love to Jesus, man. OOuuwzwzh-
Alf: Enough! Jesus, clean yourself up, Bob. You're a wreck.
Bob: Wait, do you mean me or him, man?
Alf: You. God, you look worse than Keith Richards.
Jesus: No I don't.
Alf: Not you, him.
Bob: You mean me, man?
Alf: Yes! This whole discussion is over! My point was just that it's easy to get wrapped up in superficial concerns but on the inside we're all coming from the same place.
Karl Marx: Alf, you too hail from Prussian-Trier, Germany?
Bob: Right on, Alf. I dig.
Alf: No, I didn't mean that literally!
Jesus: I come from the loins of God.
