Attention "Penn" students (if that is your real school name): you are being misled by the malicious slanderings of a vagabond ninnypacker with hipster glasses and a working mother. I shant respond to this dribble, save for a few clarifications and points quid-pro-quo, as is my solemn duty to the fair virgin Princeton.
I. Point the first: The so-called "Penn = America" theory that my colleague espouses lacks validity for several reasons, most notably that Penn does not equal America. In fact, Penn equating America is the antithesis of reason. It would be like equating New Jersey to a puss-filled trash factory. The idea is almost laughable. Penn equals the bane of American higher learning. You produce greedy, heartless androids consumed by the accumulation of money and power. We produce politicians. Princeton un-American? Let me simply ask: how many US Presidents and Superman actors have attended your "renowned" institution?
II. Point the second: Well, I know a lot of kids who go to Princeton and each one of them is intelligent, talented and in many cases, good and sexy. I only know one girl who goes to Penn and she's a more complete bitch. In fact, I hope she reads this (if she can) so she knows: I think you're the most douchiester girl on Earth and I hope you get burned alive (thrice) in a crossfire.
III. Point the third: Frankly, my darlings, we don't give a damn. We do not concern ourselves with you, our "rivals," the slum children of Philadelphia. Your scholarly abilities pale in comparison to our intellectual might. How many of your friends are Fulbright scholars? Five, 10, 20? Try every other person in your graduating class -- Ragamuffins! We'll try not to laugh as you sweep our spit off the streets of New York.
IV. Point the fourth: Concerning our Eating Clubs -- In no way at all do we exclude the overweight or the financially challenged. We merely avoid associating (and digesting) with the socially awkward and publicly educated. Your fraternities are baseless heathen strongholds built upon pagan Dionysian principles. Hobbesian fools! Hark the dawning of a Princetonian age -- an age for eating food in a social environment.
In conclusion, I hope I have concisely disabused you of the notion that Princeton is inferior to the University of Pennsylvania. To put it in layman's terms, you are the reality TV of the Ivy League. We are the Discovery, History and C-SPAN channels combined!
Post Script: As far as Ms. Gutmann is concerned, you guys binged, we purged.
