Columbia! The gem of the ocean / The home of the brave and the free, / The shrine of each patriot's devotion, / A world offers homage to thee!

These lyrics come from an 1843 song which, according to Wikipedia, is credited to T. Becket and D. Shaw. This website also claims that Columbia was "commonly understood as a poetic name for the United States of America at the time."

Clearly, Becket and Shaw were smoking too many Chinese opiates. I've got a better poetic name for the U.S. of A.: the University of Pennsylvania. Our nation was founded on the hallowed soil where our world-renowned University stands. Columbia is more like. like. Iran. Uzbekistan on a good day. It is a land of infidels.

Dear infidels, how are you guys doing down there? Oh, I know New York is north of Philadelphia. My sense of cardinal direction is finely tuned. I'm just asking what it's like being #9 in the rankings. Because that's what you are. You're #9. While people may confuse us with Penn State it's still better than being associated with a third world nation. We'll take Nittany Lion references over associations with drug babies covered with flies anyday.

Writ large, Columbia is the shittiest school on the planet. Think you guys are cool, an urbane bunch of New Yorkers? How much do you love describing yourself as "urbane?" Fucking carpetbaggers. A better term would be "vagina-ish." Columbia is no more than a cavernous, gaping fa-chotch.

Columbians, this weekend we renew the greatest rivalry in Sportingdomshire . land. Penn and Columbia will lock helmets on the field of the foot and ball. You will lose and lose lamely.

Look at your quarterback. Who is this jack-off? Let's call him Chauncey, because it's a stupid name and you're a stupid school. Not only does Chauncey have a completion percentage of like. like. who knows. Let's just say it's really low and Chauncey is a retard. Chauncey throws like a dingus.

Your running back. Seamus. Seamus plays football like... like... whatever, haters.

Your mascot, the "Lion." He'll be lion on the ground after we're through with him.

Goddamn, I can prove a thesis. C'mon, it's not like we're splitting the atom here. Or in your case, like doing long division. Hey, how's that going, by the way? Oh, not so well? It's tough, I know. You'll get there, Columbians.

Alas, I will not attend the game. I have more important things to do than watch a blow-out. Columbia, the gem of the ocean! What farcical jibber-jabber. I eat your gem for breakfast and poop out diamonds.


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