Meet the five most powerful people on Penn’s campus. The Smoke's bouncers are full of advice on how to not get in (read: they don’t want your sister). These Boyz II Men wannabes chatted with Street this week to share some of their best and worst experiences guarding those golden gates.
Street: What’s the lamest excuse for an ID you’ve ever seen?
Matt Machucki: One night I was handed a birth certificate with a baby picture attached to it.
Kenny Csaplar: A kid tried to give me my old fake that I used all freshman and sophmore year. He wouldn’t tell me how he got it.
Chris Fortunato: The business card of Penn Football’s quarterbacks coach, Larry Woods.
Shane Brady: The guy’s signature on his ID was a different name than the actual name printed on the ID.
Bill Roegge: In general, when pre-pubescent-looking freshmen have IDs that say they’re 25.
Street: What the best bribe you’ve ever received?
MM: $100 to get in 10 minutes before closing … the kid was not exactly the brightest.
KC: Coke. Not my thing though.
CF: One guy’s sister.
SB: I’ve seen a blackout guy try to give $100 to get in before his girlfriend grabbed the money, told him no and took him home.
Street: The worst … ?
MM: An 8 ball of blow during Erin Express.
KC: 2 freshman girls' phone numbers.
CF: A hug.
BR: Apparently some people consider quarters to be a sufficiently convincing bribe. And no, not the green kind of quarters.
Street: There are two types of people at Penn…
MM: The people who sit in their room and rot, and the people who actually like to get acollege experience.
CF: People who get into Smoke's and people who don’t.
SB: Those who go to Copa on Wednesday and those who go to Smoke's on
Wednesday.
BR: Those who have fallen down the stairs at Smoke's, and those who haven’t.
Street: What’s your favorite Smoke’s dance jam?
MM: Juvenile - "Back That Azz Up" or Elton John - "Tiny Dancer."
KC: Juvenile - "Back That Azz Up"
CF: Anything by Kweder after 2 a.m.
SB: Drunk Kweder, playing guitar, while lying down on the middle of the floor.
BR: Heroin, heroin, heroin …
Street: If you could have a superpower for a day what would it be?
MM: Hard question, but I would have to say the ability to teleport to any place like in the movie Jumper.
KC: Fly.
SB: Probably to be able to fly.
BR: Be able to simultaneously work the door and chug Long Islands at the bar. I guess that’s not a superpower; it just involves a lot of running.
Street: What is the question everyone’s scared to ask you?
MM: Either “Can I shake your hand?” or “You know Jacob Bock?”
KC: "Are the rumors true?"
CF: “Was she always that crazy?”
SB: "How much do you bench?"
Street: Best celebrity sighting?
MM: Probably a few of the Philadelphia Flyers or Jacob Bock.
KC: Jacob Bock. If you don’t know who that is, don’t ever try to come to Smoke's.
SB: I don’t know about the best, but the worst was some guy from the Real World D.C. — not that he’s a celebrity — who thought he could get free drinks. He paid like everyone else.
BR: You mean besides Kenny Kweder every Tuesday night?
Street: How does one become a Smoke’s bouncer?
MM: Natural talent. No, just through connections, like the famous Kenny Csaplar.
KC: Prove your loyalty.
CF: Among a plethora of other prerequisites, you really just have to be "The Man."
SB: Know someone that already works there.
BR: I wish this were the question everyone was scared to ask me.
Street: If you were a boy band, which would you be?
MM: Probably would take the role of Justin Timberlake in *NSYNC.
KC: Backstreet.
CF and BR: Boyz II Men.
