The 79 seniors you all should know (of). If you don't, then you're clearly a loser with no social life (see: Adam Behrens). Oh, and in case you were wondering: Only first names and last initial appear on the web edition of Cultural Elite, because, well, the internet is forever. Check out the print edition for these culturally elite superstars' full names...
Alex A.: What to say about this self–proclaimed queen of Acapulco who moonlights as a sleuthy photographer? She’s loud as a lioness and resents this magazine for all its egregious mentions of her egregious behavior.
Matt A.: The gregarious UA Prez may often fail to convince us that stud gov matters or that we should care about Quaker sports, but he sure is every Jewish mother’s dream. Lily A.: This pun–loving L.A. music “blogger” has a knack for adding obscure literary references in even the most everyday conversation. Grace A.: When this four–year Street ed isn’t discovering the next big thing at the ICA, she’s chilling at Pilam with the coolest band you’ve never heard of. The only place this Philebrity has yet to go is anywhere you’ve been.
Sydney B.: With the most badass frohawk you’ve ever seen, this sax–y Francophile will be repping Chi–Town and reforming Washington politics in no time.
Rachel B.: “To be completely honest,” this DP Executive Editor has trouble neutralizing her pitch.
Adam B.: Adam, president of our hearts, we think you’re perfect.
Nicky B.: Graduating early to manage his band full–time garners him cool points, but we think this L.A. native should resolve his identity crisis: Owls latenights or Pitchfork–approved shows?
Tyler B.: We have basketball teammate Jack Eggleston to thank for this two–year–old–trapped–in–a–potty–mouthed–giant’s presence on campus.
Bennett B.: Lantern, Hexagon and Mortarboard —this senior society triple threat and Theos bro’s intimidating intellect is only rivaled by his supposed penchant for substance abuse.
Samantha Bl.: When this Theta Mortar Boarder isn’t editing Street, she’s out courting art world superstars in Berlin, whipping up events at the ICA and perpetually refusing to answer her phone. Samantha Br.: Street might give her a hard time, but this L.A. Theta is beautiful inside and out.
Siobhan C.: This Mortarboard prez and Irish–dancing diver owns campus (and cornhole) on St. Patrick’s Day.
Ayesha C.: An accidental member of Browntown royalty, this Indian–in–a–cupboard is the fun–sized queen of all things acronym.
Justin C.: If you don’t already know that J.C. is fly, he’ll tell you himself. This Excelano poet prides himself on spitting fire, but it’s his shoe collection that’s a force to be reckoned with. Will D.: A “Dirty”–dwelling, plump–lipped baseball player, we wouldn’t be surprised if Will is actually insane. Maybe putting him in a cage wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
Max D.: Dewez is scarcely seen outside the walls of Smoke’s. Or without a scarf. Or involved in a legitimate conversation, ever.
David D.: When he’s not riling a crowd as the Quaker or fratting it up in IFC and AEPi, this Urban Planning submatric can be found building America’s next great city in Meyerson.
Andrew D.: This big–egoed Beta has become the definition of corporate lo–pro, but we’ll always want to “just Dudum.” Lindsey E.: The time it takes to list this Friar/Tri–Delt/engineer’s campus involvements is vastly longer than her attention span.
Ned E.: If you don’t know this ex–Pilam, your grasp of reality is more intact than the rest of ours.
Kim E.: Whether on a “scholarly” road trip (or just plain tripping), this quasi–poet is an enigma. What really lies underneath that Liza Minelli eye makeup? Perhaps nothing. Perhaps we’ll never know.
Gaby E.: Cute as a button and often as naked as a mole rat, this is an exceptionally Inspirational Tabard. Whether composing shots or pounding them, she’s a seasoned pro. Maxime F.–P. and Antonio E.: Wolfman and FP, or is it FP and Wolfman? It doesn’t really matter, as these Owls imports are seldom apart and never without their Grey Goose.
Adam F.: From bagel delivery to PennEats, Mr. Wessel helps peddle food while simultaneously avoiding it at all costs.
Billy F.: With his head of voluminous tendrils, this Mask and Wig sophisticate plays a better woman than most who actually have vaginas… which is creepy.
Maura G.: Keeping us all safe from genetically modified vegetables, one club at a time.
Jason G.: This soccer bruh is one of several Adrian–Grenier campus dopplegangers. If you can’t spot him by his height, you’ll know him by the gaggle of groupies trailing behind him. Harry G.: This bumbling, red–cheeked, pseudo–womanizing British bro is just like everyone’s favorite alcoholic uncle.
Nick G.: When this Baby Gap shopper isn’t talking about how awesome he is, he’s scaring girls with his “flirtation.”
Adam H.: An Ellen–Degeneres lookalike who’s been breaking hearts since freshman year. If his charm doesn’t melt your heart, his appalling taste in music will.
Diego H.–D.: This Mexican hombre and Omega veteran is sure to brighten up your day... while out–drinking you, of course.
Raya J.: No one really knows where this Tabard Friar is from, but she can speak and write in five languages better than you can think in one. She’ll sass you in each of them at least once while running shit at Street and the Vag Mons. Raya, hatechu.
G. Thomas J.: Though he regularly fends off amorous advances from his Media Lab fan club, this future starchitect makes the most of his Radian residency discount. Tap House, anyone?
Jeremiah J.: This husky–voiced OZ senior can often be found channelling his inner Chuck Bass by popping bottles and sending 3 a.m. booty texts.
Jeff K.: This PennQuest PiKapp has two speeds: Class Board and blackout. Friar, bring us some guacamole?
Laura K.: This AXO sista is the epitome of charisma. Can be found bringing the funny in Without a Net and Low Brow and bringing the “Fuuuuck yes” with her heavenly baking.
Andrew K.: Making a burlap poncho look sexy, this Beta globetrotter never shies away from exposing his protein–powder–packed pectorals in barely–there man tanks.
Sary K.: This AXO fireball has a knack for bringing out the blackout in all of us. We wouldn’t be surprised if her career path involves the South American drug trade. Shane K.: This Canadian proudly and (very) loudly defies Penn cliques as Tabard’s president, a PennQuest leader, a Whartonite investment banker and master strategist of campus Assassin.
Anthony L.: This Elmo bro and Street ed sings, dances, cracks jokes and doles out back massages, often at the most inopportune times. But he makes up for it with his huge... personality.
Lauren L.: This SDT sweetheart may have ditched her signature rhinestone headphones but she doesn’t just bring the beats — she dissects them, putting in time both at Rolling Stone and Street.
Johhny L.: The guy in the glasses sings and acts more than Fred Astaire on 4Loko. And he’s cool enough to realize that’s a compliment.
Trisha L.: This grad–student–lovin’ denizen of the Writers House can be found ripping apart the patriarchy — usually while naked. Or baking. Or both. Christian L.: Vegas is “just looking forward to some free time.”
Charles L.: This Mask and Wig bandleader and St. A’s pseudo–intellectual is so far up his own ass he can’t even see the self–tan–lines.
Omar M.: This Sphinge hides a beautiful singing voice and actual acting ability under his veneer of Wig Chairman–osity. Hannah M.: This UTB ed drove her freshman year roommate out with her love for glitter, unicorns and cupcakes. Not much has changed.
Lucy M.: This kinky equestrienne plays six instruments for Bloomers and got her start at Street by showing off her tattoos on the cover. Just don’t forget to call her “Captain” when checking out her famous ass.
Sarah Beth M.: This Friar’s obsession with Hartsfield Airport may border on unhealthy, but we forgive this peanut–hatin’, architecture–lovin’ Street lifer if only for her love of sweet tea and commas. ‘Til next week? Nikki M.: This buxom Theta VP loves bopping around campus and boogieing at every off–campus frat.
Harley M.: Feelings are mixed about the flamboyant king of the deep V.Whether he’s hitting on alarmed–looking women or convincing you of his superior intelligence, this nipple–flashing Theos Whartonite certainly knows how to leave an impression.
Molly M.: When she’s not finding creative ways to dip out on her 27,500 extracurricular commitments, this kooky AXO works her unstoppable shimmy, even when dressed as a dinosaur.
Rico M.: He boasts an afro pick from ?uestlove and is planning a revamp of UTV13. But he probably told you that already. Twice.
Matt N.: No homo, but will we remember this Mario Kart magician (no homo) more for his work as a campus disc jockey (no homo) or for flipping meat (no homo) as the owner of Newby’s Burger Shack (no homo)? Only time will tell. No homo (no homo).
Adrian P.: This UTB ed has perfected the art of subtle snark and has the best head of hair this side of Conan.
Meredith P.: With a deep desire to probe the depths of the universe, this NASA student ambassador has intergalactic ambitions. She also pounds the drums as head of Bloomers band and interviews hot musicians on her WQHS show.
Jen P.: Yes. We get it, too. But her name also kicks ass backwards. Noop Nej? That RULES.
Hillary R.: This Tabard and UTB managing editrix permanently has her finger on the pulse of the Internet zeitgeist. A million hits a month, say what?!
Rachel R.: Even with two busted knees, she manages to head Bloomers, PAC and hang out with little kids as they learn the art of (Shakespearean?) communication.
Ben R.: This comic artist embodies elusiveness. He’s held positions at such illustrious organizations as MTV, The Daily Show and ... Street. Follow him on Twitter — it will change your life.
Sarah and Elizabeth S.: R.I.P., we hardly knew ya.
Jessie S.: This ASB leader knows eeeeeveryone, probably because she’s always walking her boyfriend’s dog around campus, and who doesn’t love a golden retriever?
David S.: Occasionally confused for his twin, Steiny D has made a name for himself by creeping — if you haven’t gotten a late–night “34th & Walnut” text, you’re a nobody.
Sarah S.: The queen of improv, a film department diva, an Elmo empress… if Greenwich’s funniest doesn’t do it, it’s probably found in a classroom.
Lini S.: Credited with single–handedly reviving The Walk, Penn’s premier (well, only) fashion magazine, this Superjew Sphinge has “style” — and she knows it.
Harry T.: Some claim his diatribes about art and culture are the dribble of a pompous L.A. hipster, but most of us find this cheeky Zete bro to be charmingly smart. Try finding someone who looks better in a fedora.
Maya T.: Sitting Front Row at all of this TriDelt’s shows can be exhausting: from Counterparts to Broadway, her thespian prowess is almost as infectious as her smile.
Elliot T.: In case you were wondering, this Phi Psi brother is funny and cool and likes to rollerblade. And in case you were still in doubt, he’d be more than happy to tell you himself.
Charlie T.: In need of a flannel or rugby shirt? Down to have a night you’ll never remember? Look no further than this adorable AXO WASP.
Carolyne V.: Once she’s done organizing events for Mortar Board and giving Kite and Key tours, you can spot this TriDelt “fiasco” beyond drunk at Smoke’s in her requisite neon and headbands.
Sarah W.: During the week, you’ll catch this SDT princess wearing her finest Long Island soccer mom gear; come Thursday night, look no further than atop a table at Smoke’s... or hitting up Allegro’s. Alec W.: An Australian firecrotch known for his dramatic political expositions, Alec couldn’t possibly be more annoying.
Olivia W.: After recovering from a year of black–balling, this self–proclaimed heiress to Copa Wednesdays can be found shouting belligerently about reality television while chugging wine. But then again, can’t we all? Jordan Z.: This AXO, oft–critiqued for her social climbing and bedroom four–eyes, is really just a nice girl from Westport? No, that can’t be right.
