Many students are disappointed by Penn Park because of its strong athletic focus. Doesn’t Amy G. care about the non–athletic, lazy–as–shit types who just want somewhere to chill? Apparently not. That’s why Street decided to repurpose Penn Park’s sporty spaces so there’s a little something for everyone. You’re welcome. What: Gateways/bridges What?!: For something that is a plot of land, Penn Park is peculiarly landlocked. One cannot merely wander into Penn Park. Every entrance is an entrance, up and over one of a few metal bridges. What to do there: Drop stuff off of them!

WHAT: Parking lot WHAT?!: So beautiful that it proves a parking lot can be beautiful. WHAT TO DO THERE: Teach a Manhattanite how to drive and turn the table on his or her superiority complex.

WHAT: Softball stadium WHAT?!: It is petite and proper. WHAT TO DO THERE: A “My First Stadium” for those that are athletically gifted but perform best to a smaller audience in a “me–sized” amphitheater. [Ed. note: Please add cup holders to the stadium seating, Amy!]

WHAT: Tennis courts WHAT?!: Down the center of the courts, there’s a long, thin elevated surface. WHAT TO DO THERE: It’s a catwalk for future Veni and Sereni more excited to model white tennis skorts than to grunt on court. And below, a shady alley, heavily fenced and out of the press’ ear shot, perfect for saying horrible things to the referee or opponent. Or anyone at all, really.

WHAT: Picnic benches WHAT?!: Wood table and benches, attached to one another. WHAT TO DO THERE: Pretend you’re doing… anything, while actually ogling athletes.

WHAT: Hills WHAT?!: Every valley has a hill, and Penn Park is blessed with many. WHAT TO DO THERE: Slopes are made to be rolled down in any manner: somersault or cartwheel or horizontally like a forgotten barrel.  Just imagine them coated with snow, and order a twee sled online immediately.

WHAT: Train tracks WHAT?!: Provides post–apocalyptic steampunk appeal. WHAT TO DO THERE: Suitable for a faux–artsy Facebook photoshoot so everyone will hate you.

WHAT: Weeping willow and adjacent batting cage WHAT?!: Penn Park’s most unlikely duo. WHAT TO DO THERE: Weep under the willow when sad, bat in the cage when angry.

WHAT: Area under the Walnut Street Bridge WHAT?!: A mini–wasteland with lumps of dirt. WHAT TO DO THERE: DMX bike field or, for the very creative, a doll–sized setting for a reenactment of Grease’s car race scene.

Check out this sweet slideshow of Penn Park.