(407): I sometimes fall asleep with a beer in my bed because, you know, I don’t have a boyfriend.
(412): He actually made me a plastic trophy that said “world’s best blowjob.” Tastes like victory.
(516): K I wanclealy drunk tonight. Turns out Brian is a junior ms brian little is DAVE FML bit Ta okay bc DAVE hu with my pledge sister but ifs okay bc I Hannah hu worh Brian but turns out brian has a gf WHO GOES TO PENNWHAG TBE FUCK
(786): I think u witnessed part of my soul but i dont know what to believe cuz ur a sex fiend
(555): I got paw prints tattooed on my tits last night....
(818): Lob you in already drunk though
(215): OMG how is that even possible
(818): Purim pregame
(555): too drunk/lazy to change tampon before i go to bed. #yolo #if i should die before i wake its fucking tss i know it is
(248): Did you really just use the top hat emoji while sexting me?
(602): I just went with it, and as the saying goes, I killed two birds with one penis.
(215): My feet hurt and I’m mad all I want to do is wobble.
(555): Are you okay? your hook up is passed out I have your shoes and your wallet
(555): A guy just gave me a parrot. What’s going on?
(215): #shame, where da fuck are yu?
(215): has fassbenders Penis happend?
(555): I can’t tell if I have sun poisoning or if I’m still hungover from last night...
(757): YOU WERE HOLDING A BABY, WHERE WAS ITS PLACENTA AND WHY WASN’T IT COVERED IN BLOOD AND SCREAMING??
(307): I don’t care if she just got out of the hospital that outfit was so nineteen ninety never.
(407): He called me and was like, oh you know I’m just out here gentrifying Brooklyn. And I was like that’s a disgusting and racist thing to say. We are no longer friends.
(734): Which song describes last night best?
(616): Nelly. Country Grammar.
(617): My mother just liked a picture of my one night stand on Facebook. How did she find him? What is going on?
(215): I’m so high. I’m 90% sure the church bells are ringing out On Top of Spaghetti.
(845): Have a good dinner tonite and have a great trip! Watch what you drink there. Keep your I pad secure. We luv yu, Grandma & Papa
(516): I literally just had snapchat sex and it was better than the real thing. All the sexy none of the messy.
(321): judge not by the color of one’s skin, but by the firmness of their booty.
(919): ah yes, i believe it was the great dr. martin luther king jr that once said that.
(516): His dick is literally perfect. I am hypnotized by his dick. Dickmatized.
(828): You know you’re in South Carolina when you can’t tell if a billboard is for a strip club or a teen clothing store
(516): do you ever think about historical sex acts? Like george washington probably got a blowjob at some point.
(412): The thing is. We should live each other. Cause iNm drink. And I live you.
(908): i always get promiscious when i’m in the presence of camp people. it’s a bad habit.
(845): Whats the section o the librarry in harry potter thats off limits
(555): I thought we had sex in APES last night, but then I remembered-I’m a virgin.
(617): I’ve never seen an attractive beard.
(215): That’s cause you’re Asian
(469): Guys. Please hurry up and come back. I found myself putting on eye liner to go to frogro
(314): My night went downhill. V8 as a mixer. There’s a girl with a trombone at this bar.
(631): imm alive. Dont worry. #notdead
(610): Where is everyone/does anyone have anti diarrhea medicine?
(555): When in NorCal, try salvia
(724): No I distinctly remember you yelling “THERE IS NO POPE” at the McDonald’s lady because they were out of barbeque sauce.
(516): I'm going to the Pottruck sauna to sweat out the toxins.
(202): Tell me what you’ll do to me if I don’t come
