Best Alternative Use for Flyers You Pick Up:

a. Kindling

b. Quilt

c. Paper airplanes

d. Home insulation


Best School Publication to Use as a Napkin:

a. Punch Bowl

b. The WALK Magazine

c. The Daily Pennsylvanian

d. 34th Street Magazine


Best way to get around campus:  

a. Driving a diesel engine truck

b. Stolen Penn facilities cart

c. On the shoulders of a football player

d. Camel



Best place to feel superior:

a. Drexel

b. Mr. and Mrs. Penn Competition

c. Walnut Hill Restaurant College

d. Hallway outside of a Writing Seminar you’re not in


Best place to feel inferior:

a. Lobby of Huntsman Hall

b. Coach section of airplane on way to spring break destination

c. On hold for Campus Apartments maintenance

d. Chin–up competition against Penn water polo


Best Penn Acronym: 

a. DFMO: Dance Floor Make Out

b. SMAC: Singers, Musicians, and Comedians

c. DRL: David Rittenhouse Laboratories

d. ITAG: I’ve Touched Amy Gutmann. 


Best place to vomit:

a. The Bridge Cafe

b. 40th Street SEPTA Station

c. Onto a squirrel

d. The recycling can, not the trash can, on Locust


Best view on campus:

a. Rodin Rooftop Lounge

b. The tree outside of Lowbrow editor’s house (we’re sexy ;) )

c. 38th Street Bridge

d. Atop the Dueling Tampons 


Best place to contract an STD:

You thought we would put SDT didn’t you? Shame on you. That’s a cheap joke.


Best Place to Destroy Your Counter–Culture Street Cred:

a. Computer Connection

b. Waiting area of Amy Gutmann's office

c. Track practice

d. Beta pledge event

Best place to hallucinate:

a. Biopond

b. DRL

c. Penn Park

d. Spring Fling concert floor


Best place to wake up with no pants on:

a. Bushes outside Hunstman Hall

b. Urban Outfitters (Buy new pants!)

c. Next to Bui’s

d. Empty lot where Philly Diner used to be


Best place to ride your Segway: Don’t.


Best Joke of the Year:

a. Mask and Wig’s spring show final number, “Jessica.”

b. Classless TV’s DTF Bid Day Promo

c. Girl Talk headlining Fling

d. Bloomers: Von Romney Family Singers


Best Penn Pun

a. Jewniversity of Pennsyl–gay–sia

b. Penn Bark: Soon–to–be–opened Penn Park for Dogs

c. Amy Gut’s–tan: A comment on Amy Guttman’s gorgeous tan complexion

d. Dean of Admissions, Eric Furby: Dean Furda looks like a furby


Best sign to look at if you want to vomit:

a. Tyga’s disgusting abusive lyrics printed up and posted around campus 

b. A picture of a dead dog being eaten by a zombie

c. Sex Week’s fact posters: “The average man ejaculates 18 quarts of semen"

d. A picture of a dead man being eaten by a zombie dog


Best place to fly a kite:

a. The high rise wind tunnel 

b. Penn Park

c. Walnut Street

d. Out the window of your Hill dorm room