-Stephen Colbert mocks how ridiculous the story is on his show (though he fails to give Penn a shoutout).

-Writing Prof. Kenny Goldsmith is a guest on "The Colbert Report": He rocks a pink suit and talks about his latest weird book.

-TV producer/writer and Wharton alum Aaron Korsh's show "Suits" drops the W-bomb, straight from the lips of a badass(hole) I-banker: "We didn't go to Harvard. We went to Wharton. And we saw you coming a mile away."

 

School Starts in August What caused such an outrageously early start date? Blame it on the bigwigs in Harrisburg: in 2008 the Pennsylvania Department of Education set new regulations requiring a minimum of 42 instructional hours per semester to give a course college credit. Penn courses were clocking in a lazy 36 hours of class in the fall. Since our alma matter is up for reaccreditation review this year, it was basically “Start earlier or we´ll shut the party down.” On the brightside, class hasn’t started this early since 1974 so maybe it’s an omen for a new generation of “I found my spouse at Penn” button–wearers.

Historic Moment Alert! Who? Eve Troutt Powell What? New SAS Dean for Grad Students When? Effective July 1st, 2013 Why (you should care)? This professor of history and Africana studies is the first faculty member of an ethnic or racial minority to be appointed to a top position in academic leadership at Penn. While the University administration won’t say what motivated this long–overdue move, we have a feeling it may have had something to do with a guest column by Senior Africana Studies Faculty members published in the DP in January of this year, which eloquently criticized Amy Gutmann’s failure to appoint “a person of color to the position of dean during her long tenure at Penn.”

Amy Gutmann's pay rises 43% to $2.09 M We’re sure your Amy Gutmann Google Alert already broke the news, but in case you missed it, The Gut’s salary just rose by 43% to a whopping $2.09 million, which is basically infinite money. Needless to say, she took the news fabulously and can be seen radiating pure solar energy from her office on the daily.

Penn dogs can sniff out ovarian cancer.

Penngineering robot can go up and down stairs, has weird insect legs, is crazy. So apparently robots have historically had a lot of trouble with stairs. Not anymore. Penn’s hexapod robot has six crazy ski slope legs that allows it to climb, roll/run, and do flips on command. It also comes equipped with adorable googly eyes, and it may take over the world. Seriously, YouTube this thing ASAP.

AIDS can cure cancer (it's a little more complicated than that). Turning misery into miracles, Penn researchers have begun using the HIV virus to modify human T–Cells into superhero “serial killer cells” capable of destroying tumors in cancer patients like 7–year–old Emma Whitehead. Having failed all chemo, Emma’s now in remission thanks to the mind-bending treatment. AIDS vs. Cancer: Everybody wins.

Bow–Chicka–Wawa Pro: Wawa is now laid out with an intuitive chronological progression: pastries and coffee are waiting right as you enter, and you’re invited to glide around the room to the deli (with everyone’s favorite touch–screen ordering system), then grab a drink and some ice cream for dessert before reaching the register. And there’s a bathroom now! (It's in the back by the soda fountain. They have to buzz you in.)

Con: Why mess with perfection? Do you know how many nights of drunken practice it took students to master your layout, Wawa? Where is the milkshake machine hiding? That big round thing in the middle full of hard–boiled eggs and carrot sticks is an accident waiting to happen, not to mention the lack of Flaming Hot Cheetos. And there’s a bathroom now…

The Not–Apple Store Thanks to the 21st Century, the Penn Bookstore now boasts its own faux–Apple store. The CD and DVD section on the second floor (yeah…that existed) has been replaced by tall wooden tables, a sleek design, and the smiling faces of Genuis–bar rejects. IMPORTANT: The PennCard Center is now on the 2nd floor too!

Bye–bye Blackboard! Seniors can rejoice that their last year won’t be tainted by Blackboard’s fugly homepage and incomprehensible discussion boards (like they were going to check them anyway?). Canvas, the sleek learning management system already used by Wharton, GSE and the Law School, has been adopted by all 12 schools this fall. If a few of your tech–weary profs are still clinging to BB, fear not: everyone will be using Canvas come spring.

Then: "Enforcement isn't the main priority--safety is." Penn Police Captain Gerald Leddy on illicit Fling activities. (April 15, 2011)

Now: "We have a great relationship with the University and the University of Pennsylvania Police Department...They have basically given us an open door policy for the campus. We are more than welcome to come enforce the alcohol laws at any point." Dan Steele, District Commander of the Bureau of Liquor Enforcement (August 28, 2013)

We’re all aware that Penn is, like, the trend capital of the world. Things that are fly and underground in the real world become ubiquitous and terrible on campus faster than you can intentionally shatter your snorefest of an immaculate iPhone screen. Watch out for these hazards, er, trends this semester.


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