Coming to Penn, we were curious about three things:

Sex, alcohol and drugs—mainly, Adderall.  The sex part was obvious. You’re having it or your not.  You don’t want to be that NSwhOre but you’re still down for a good time. Alcohol was also a given. Maybe you can’t tell that from the Class of 2017's MERT statistics, but when you’re pregaming the Book of Rhymes lecture, you know it’s a non–issue (sorry Adam Bradley).  When it came to drugs, we were unsure. Coming from big cities, we imagined that the Penn Adderall scene would be just as easy to navigate as what we had been accustomed to.  We believed that Adderall would be free flowing.  After all, how do those Theta betches stay so skinny? Adderall has many draws to it: whether you’re trying to make it through a writing seminar outline, your first THEOS downtown, or trying keep off the dreaded Freshman 15, the wonder drug hooks you up.  However, our search for this wonder pill did not go as planned.  We were half–expecting our roommates from Jericho to slip it under our pillows like the Tooth Fairy, but this was just not the case.  Instead, we were forced to forage ourselves.

We present our (attempted) steps to finding Adderall:

1. Find out who has it.

2. Casually bring up your imminent need for a “study aid”.

(ex. “Ugh, I have a huge paper due tomorrow!  I don’t think I can stay up all night without some good ‘ol amphetamines.” Something super subtle.)

3. If that doesn’t work, mention that you are fairly certain they are prescribed.

4. Beg.

When the original plan failed, we took to the streets. However, we found that drug dealers didn’t provide much help either. In fact, one dealer warned us to “not get hooked on that shit” as he proceeded to offer us coke.  No thanks, I actually value my life.  I want an A on my paper, not a St. A’s bid.

After a couple of failed attempts, we retreated to Manhattan during the high holy days.  Without any Adderall to curb our appetites, our stomachs grumbled throughout services.  In a final act of desperation, we turned to our contacts in the city, namely, high schoolers.  My, how far we had fallen—maybe not the best way to bring in the new year after repenting  for our sins.  Coincidentally, our NYC contacts pointed us right back to Penn—to someone we knew! That grotsky little biotch had been hoarding her supply the whole time.

What we took away from our pharmaceutical pursuit is that, at Penn, the only thing people are more selfish about than their study guides are their study drugs.  For those of you who are still searching out there, we have one piece of advice: keep your friends close, and your suppliers closer.