Dear the Daily Pennsylvanian,
Hello. It is I, Sharon Blum (pronounced BLOOM), neé Rosenbaum, mother (and friend!) of Sara. I am writing this to you under great duress, although not too much, as the Miami sun has been calming my nerves. That’s right, I am writing this to you not from the confines of my Great Neck BarcaLounger, but instead from a poolside beach chair at the Howard Johnson Plaza Miami.
Saul called me last night. He had a colonoscopy yesterday. It did not go as planned. An argument ensued. I say to Saul, “Saul, let us make a new life for ourselves, here in Miami. Perhaps not Miami, there are lots of Cubans, but somewhere such as Boca, or Del Rey Beach.” Saul says, “No.” And then I say, “Saul, you’re in insurance. We’ve got the world on a string, baby!”
Recently, I have been speaking of my troubles to a nice Jewish man. Dr. Stein is his name. Though, he is a therapist, not an M.D. Even more suspicious is his bachelorhood. 49 years old and not a single wife? Tsk, tsk. He says my new Shih Tzu, Babs, is a coping mechanism, meant to fill the large void left by my beloved daughter Sara. I say to him he’s wrong, that’s what Appletinis are for! I’m such a Miranda!
Speaking of Sara, my biggest gripe is the notable absence of myself over the weekend colloquially known as “Family Weekend.” Where was I? My Sara made no mention of such a gathering. Where was my UPennAlert then, Sara?
Another thing, Sara. What is this two B-minuses on your midterms? Your father and I did not raise a two B-minus daughter. I have a hunch this is from all that alcohol I’m reading about in The Daily Pennsylvanian. Or perhaps my dear Sara is spending far too much time at rehearsals for her Disney a cappella group. Now I’m a big fan of Mr. Disney’s films (“Song of the South" and so forth), but what are you doing singing mashes of Disney songs for hours a day? Singing is for the shower, Sara. Do your homework. Tuition is expensive.
Another thing Sara, please book your America “Am” Track for Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving is special, as Chanukah is also the same day! Oy vey, things are getting out of hand at the Blum residence! The preparations are overwhelming. Dr. Stein will be hearing about this. Remind me to invite said Stein. I will introduce him to Patty Klein, I think they will be perfect together. Do you remember Patty? Patty, the one with the limp. You used to call her Fatty Patty due to her obese nature and then I would scold you. She still has issues with her weight. Poor Patty. Such a nice girl.
Do I make myself clear?
—Sharon Blum
