Hurrah for the Red and the Blue! You certainly had an eventful Homecoming, didn’t you flowers? When you weren’t throwing toast and wearing your “I Met My Spouse at Penn” buttons, you were providing us with some juicy gossip that even the alums would be excited to read. Fight on, Pennsylvania.
Yes, countless seasons have come and gone since many of our returning alumni have graced the halls of dear ol’ Penn. Yet, alumni from A’s to Zete seem to have mistaken Homecoming for Snow Jams, seeing as they got snowed–in with their fraternity brothers this past weekend. At a Zete late night, a group of middle–aged Zete alums really blew away the partygoers—doing cocaine with two Thetas and one Alpha Phi. After doing a line, one of the Thetas remarked, “you’re so fucking old.” The Zete alums responded with a chuckle and continued to engage in their frostiest college pastime. But who said drugs inhibit success? Not the elderly brothers of St. Anthony’s Hall, who did coke out of hundred dollar bills at the frat’s homecoming brunch. It’s so reassuring to know we’ll graduate with our college memories and our drug habits.
However, the Zete alumni weren’t the only ones who tried to blow up the scene this weekend. In a less successful attempt, the Philadelphia police tried to blow up THEOS Annual Thoodser. The police entered the buses that were scheduled to depart for the trendiest place in the Poconos, threatening to ID and arrest anyone under 21. Luckily, in the sceniest miracle since Hannukah, the police exited from the buses without IDing any of the intoxicated Thoodsians. We aren’t exactly sure why they left, but Highbrow speculates that they may have had actual crimes to solve.
Speaking of criminals, the Philly police sleuthfully uncovered one in our midst. At the Chancellor day party, one ZBT bro took spitting game to a whole new level. Walking through the crowd, the rebellious bro spat on a cop, who was attempting to shut down the party. The boy was then handcuffed and arrested. Who knew ZBT boys could be such badasses?
Speaking of badasses, one pre–pre–pre–pre–pre–prepubescent frosh, tried to get lucky with a very drunk Tridelt sister this weekend at the OZBT homecoming darty. The tween tried to seduce her by using the line, “I want to lick your clitoris.” The Tridelt was less than flattered and responded by kicking the young pimp in the balls. In the manliest manner, the boy fled from the scene in tears. Maybe she’ll be more enthusiatic after he graduates from middle school.
