Listen up, little ones. Midterms may suck , but fall break is right around the corner. In the mean time, put down your coffee because Highbrow has the best stimulant on campus—gossip.

This fall, make to get a flu shot before you come down with Alpha Phiver. At the sorority’s date night, one drunk attendee was bored of Dave & Buster’s arcade games—and probably his date as well. To entertain himself, the boy stole a security guard’s radio and ran around the venue yelling into it: “where my bitches at?” When the guard finally pinned the drunkard down, the boy vomited—all over his uniform. Next time, Alpha Phi–males, keep your dates in line.

Get ready for a curve ball. During an Owls late night, one brother was drinking on the balcony when he looked up into his bedroom window—only to see a burglar sifting through his closet. Sources tell us the boy immediately grabbed his baseball bat, tackled the intruder to the ground and called the police. In two cigarettes’ time, the cops arrived and subsequently arrested the robber. Highbrow applauds the brother's courage—we will always feel safe under his wing.

Were you shwasted at Shwayze? Us, too. After his Skimmerfest performance, our rapper friend hopped all around campus. Sources tell us he hung out at HamCo, partied at SAE, and smoked in a Radian apartment (ed. note: he’s almost 30). One Zeta caught his eye, and the two have been texting all week—he even offered to fly her out to California. It appears that Shwayze has learned to “bow down to the crown”.

Apparently porta–potty head is passe. Highbrow hears that things got rowdy at a Toby Keith concert. Turned on by southern charm, one junior girl gave head to a fellow country music fan—until the police intervened. Our friend was arrested for public indecency, handcuffed and put in the back of a cop car. Looks like it really does suck to suck.