This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.4.2014

As you know, this Saturday is my Super Sweet 16. Everything needs to be perfect, but I’m getting worried because my parents are so stupid and already messing things up. Have we forgotten the time they announced my first period over Chrismukkah dinner?!

I started planning my Sweet 16 months ago; the day after my 15th birthday. The theme? Denim and Diamonds. It's elegant yet casual, just like me (and all of Danity Kane). Between you and me, this theme is more elegant than the tan I plan on sporting for the big event. I'm doing it for some bling––a family heirloom, obviously made of diamonds.

I also told my parents months in advance that I wanted to have Fergie perform at my party. Your party is only as G–L–A–M–O–R–O–U–S as the celebrity that performs, so I clearly needed to have the Queen of Glamor herself. But apparently, bitch has a Euro tour now. Like doesn't she know who my Daddy is?

But ugh, Daddy gave me a "budget." Do I seriously have to remind him that I know that he's making more than money on those "business trips"? He can get me a white chocolate hot tub.

Instead of getting Fergalicious, we got More like He looks like the gym teacher who used to make me stay and jump rope after class. Stop asking me to go to McDonald's with you, Mr. Nelson! (Ed. Note: She doesn't want McNuggets.) Anywho, if's first song sucks, I’m going to duet with him. I have perfect pitch.

BTW, thank GOD my crush Zach is coming to my party. He just bought this denim vest and texted me a pic of it. He looks SO cute. Just like our babies Zephyr and Hymen would be. Maybe we'll grind (front 2 front). My little sister is super jealous that he likes me, but I'm the hot one, duh. Hopefully, she never discovers the magic of a pushup bra and Kleenex.

Anyway, my Sidekick won’t stop going off because Zach is texting me non–stop right now. Oh, wait it's just my mom. Fuck you, Mom.