This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.4.2014

No party is complete without an epic party cake, and mine better be perfect. It stands as the centerpiece for the ballroom and like, is a total expression of how important I am. If it's not over five feet tall, glitzy and better than Mandy’s, it's just not worthy of even being there.

First tier:

Obviously the base has to begin with 16 white mini circular cakes. Each has to be encrusted with Swarovski crystals (duh) with different designs, and the first four facing the public will have monogrammed initials.

Second tier:

Bright pink octagonal cake with leopard stripes. Each stripe will be done in a black and then lined with gold dust. It should sparkle and glow more than the jewelry dripping off my neck.

Third tier:

Two hundred cupcakes all wrapped in gold liners and frosted with sapphire colored butter cream. On top of each cupcake is a fondant mini statue of me in my attire for the night. No detail is left out and there is a mini tiara on my mini head and diamonds on my neck, diamonds on my grill (my braces have diamonds).

Fourth Tier:

Everyone needs to know where I shop and what I love to do. This layer should have shopping bags (from Prada, Gucci and Juicy), makeup compacts, daddy’s platinum card, my new Porsche and obvs tons of jewelry.

Fifth Tier:

The last layer has to represent my family so it will be a replica of my mansion. The front will only show the outside layout of my house, however the back will be open to show each room. Each room will be detailed with the exact furniture, paintings and fancy decorative elements. And of course my precious dog Snoodles will be featured in her room next to mine.

When it is time to present the cake, there will be fireworks that emerge from the lighting of my house. The first will make the crystals sparkle and everything shine bright. Mandy will be wishing she were as amazing as I am. Bitches will sweat with jealousy.