This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.4.2014

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Saperstein,

We are writing to you as friends, neighbors and upset parents. Jessica truly hurt our son’s feelings did not invite him to her "Diamonds & Denim" Super Sweet 16.

At such an extravagant party, we understand that it needs to be exclusive. However, Jessica rode up to school in a Hummer stretch limo and personally handed out all of your invites in front of the entire student body—and our son, Steven, did not receive one. We believe that it was unnecessarily harsh for him to be cut from this list, especially in such a public manner. He's already self–conscious enough about being the only boy in gym class without pubic hair. He's just not an early bloomer, but he is extremely wonderful, as you know.

Our children have known one another since preschool. We all remember Jessica's potty mouth, but we still invited her to Steven's Rockin' Roller Rink party. We’ve been lucky enough to see your daughter blossom, and we’re so happy she's such a leader! Jessica and Steven’s long–lasting friendship is important to our family. We hoped that you, the Sapersteins, would value and respect it as well.

Steven truly proved to be one of Jessica’s most loyal friends during the kayak trip two summers ago. When Jessica came down with severe food poisoning in the middle of the river, Steven was the only camper who was willing to stay back with her. Steven didn’t even tell the other campers that Jessica pooed her pants in the kayak. He understood the situation’s sensitivity, and it is clear that Steven is a devoted friend to Jessica.

It is particularly upsetting to us as a family that we have been invited as parents, but our son will not be able to attend the party with us. It was very exciting to see Jessica rolling up to our house in a luxurious pink limousine. She looked so beautiful in her denim dress and glistening diamonds. However, Steven was even more hurt when he realized that the invitation did not include him. He cried all night.

Anyway, we'll leave him at home. We hired a sitter. So see you Saturday–-so looking forward to that guy to perform. That humping song is fresh to death. (Is that what the kids are saying these days?)

Also, would Jessica prefer cash or a check?

Warm regards,

Matt and Susan Harris