This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.4.2014

My Super Sweet 60

Channel: Oxygen

Pitch : Sixty is the new sixteen! These ladies might be over the hill, but they’re not over the drama. With their hubbies' Social Security check, the sky’s the limit, and these grannies want it all. The party ain’t stopping 'til 5 p.m.—hip replacement, don’t fail me now!

My Super Sweet Sexteen

Channel Cinemax

Pitch:  Young, bold and wild, these “teens” show what a birthday bash is all about: giving handjobs in hotel bathrooms. This isn’t PG–13 anymore—but it’s also not NC–17. (Note: Legal tells us all participants will have to be over 18, with state–issued ID.)

Ken Burns Presents: Sixteen

Channel:  PBS

Pitch:  Over five hours, Ken Burns provides a haunting narrative of the trials and tribulations of American girls coming of age in the aftermath of the War of 1812. The year is 1816, and for girls from Alabama to Minnesota, life would never be the same. 

My Super Sweet 16 and Counting

Channel:  TLC

Pitch:  Remember the [insert lovable, dysfunctional family here], with like 100 kids? What if those kids were all turning 16? That would be pretty crazy! Everyone would want it to be their special moment. But it couldn’t be everyone’s special moment, could it? Just think of the drama.

Mis Quinces es Esupersweet

Channel: Univison

Pitch: Even a younger demographic than MSS16, Mis Quinces es Esupersweet combines all the drama and intrigue of MSS16 with a dash of Latin spice. Think tacos, pinatas, sombreros and whatever else Mexican people like. We have yet to hone in on what a quince is exactly, but we heard it’s a party so there has to be something there. 

My Super Straight 16

Channel: Bravo

Pitch: It’s weird at all for a boy to have a sweet 16. I know lots of guys who have had one. This is just the tale of a young man who wants to celebrate a milestone in his life with seven best friends, who all just happen to be girls, Dad. The theme can be, like, sports, which I totally like. People can dress up like pitchers, or catchers or other stuff. And Britney is totally lying, I definitely didn’t say I want the theme to be Broadway Divas of the '80s.

My Bittersweet 16

Channel: Lifetime

Pitch: She was a girl on the cusp of 16. He was a rugged woodsman dying of cancer. Their love would shock the world after she finds out her mother is pregnant with his child. Join us for this gripping television event (based on the life of Hillary Clinton) as this brave young woman grapples with one choice: who should she take to the afterparty?

My Super Sweet

Sixteen and Pregnant

Channel: MTV2

Pitch: Imagine you and your unborn child are going to have the exact same birthday. You can’t let that little bitch steal your spotlight.