This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.4.2014
Casting call for: future superstars.
This Thanksgiving, did you give thanks for your parents’ checkbook? Do you ever look in the mirror and think, “I look like a million bucks...literally!” If that sounds familiar and you look 15 years old (age negotiable), then head to Cherry Hill Mall this Sunday for the next new hit reality show: “My Super Sweet 16.” We’re looking for you, Tiffany, who cried when she got just one pony for her 13th birthday. Or Arielle, who stormed out of her aquatic–themed Bat Mitzvah when she realized Beyonce would not be making an appearance. Come with your best smile and no shame.
Casting call for: anonymous female friends of the birthday girl/boy.
Have you ever dreamed of having a blowout Sweet 16? Now’s your chance—almost. If you’re in the tri–state area and between 14 and 18 years old, pack your Juicy velour tracksuits and Hollister short shorts for MTV’s “My Super Sweet 16” casting call. Each of our stars from season four will be present to hand–pick their friends, who will help them choose their guest lists, outfits and musical performers. Are you up to the challenge? Participants must be willing to make themselves look uglier than above mentioned birthday girl/boy and own that mediocre look on national television and willing to be silent when you realize why this person doesn't have friends of their own.
Casting call for: male friends of the birthday girl/boy.
Do you look super cool without a shirt on? Do you aspire to work at your local mall’s Abercrombie & Fitch store? Do you wear jeans that are just big enough to show the Calvin Klein elastic on your boxer briefs? Does your axe body spray bring in all the junior high honeys? If so, we want you to be the male friend or potential love interest of our next birthday girl. Past acting experience not necessary, but modeling experience and chiseled abs preferred. Get ready for a lot of hair and teeth–whitening gel. This will be the experience of a lifetime! Those afraid of glitter or spoiled young women need not apply. No chest hair, please.
Casting call for: party planners.
Do you put up with a lot of shit on a daily basis? Do you want to get paid for it? If you’re used to working with teenagers and you know Versace from Valentino, put on a happy face and grab your resume. Applicants must be able to: sprint the 50–yard dash in under 10 seconds, close down the roadways of New York City for a once–in–a–lifetime entrance and attend a month of kickboxing classes in preparation for dance floor catfights.
Casting call for: party pups and dog trainers/owners.
Is your pup perfect for the small screen? Is that pup a yorkie, toy poodle, shih tzu, maltese, havanese, bichon or some miniature breed of all six that Paris Hilton might own? Said dog must not bark, poop, pee or actually do anything but breathe. Dogs may be returned to their owners with pink fur and bedazzled with rhinestones (for no charge!) Literal hoop jumping not a required skill for dogs, but the metaphorical kind will likely be asked of the relevant human. Please, no cats.