Valentine's Day 2015. 

  • The Rave was sold out, so here I am at the Megaplex on Columbus Boulevard. 
  • Other parts of Philly exist. 
  • I show up 5 minutes late, but I'm gonna get a slurpee. 

I have a flask full of Bacardi and a beer in my coat. 

  • I can't do this sober. I won't do this sober. 

Back story: I read the book. Yeah, I did. And it's awful. 

Sat down in a room with at least 200 people.

  • The woman behind me is singing. 
  • She also dropped a bottle of Burnett's pink lemon. 
  • I thought I was going to be the most turnt person here, but indeed I was wrong. 
  • I chug about 16 ounces of alcohol slurpee. I want to catch up, but alas, she is the drunk queen. 
  • As the movie starts people, start shushing her. 
  • She will not shush. 
  • I continue to chug. 

The first 40 minutes is what some may call a "story." 

  • Surprisingly, the movie actually fixes a lot of the plot holes of the book, but again plot is not why I am watching this. 
  • It's for that Jamie Dornan ass (pero like he's still #notmychristian).

My drinking game becomes "drink every time Christian is really trying hard to hide his Scottish accent, and finish your drink every time you hate everyone."

  • I have finished all my drinks in under 20 minutes. Better buckle up and enjoy this. 

What we aren't talking about in this movie, though, is that Christian is a psychopath. 

  • No this isn't an exaggeration. 
  • I'm a criminology major. I know this shit. 

Ana is getting drunk and calling Christian. 

  • This is the realest part of the movie. 
  • I think heavily about who I am gonna drunk dial tonight. Mitch? 
  • Mitch seems like a good choice.

Yes, man abs, but I think Christian has chest pimples? Not cute. 

Girls making breakfast is like movie short hand for "I am quirky." 

  • You're so quirky, Anastasia.

The Burnett's lady behind me left at some point, but now she is back and yelling at her boyfriend. 

  • "Donde estas?" 
  • Him: "I am here, bitch." 
  • Her: "I can't see you, Papi." 
  • TBH, this is already a better love story than the movie. 

For some reason Christian is always saying "Laters Baby," which really just tells me that this writer has never met an American. 

Spoiler Alert

  • Nothing happens in this movie, but about 40 some minutes in we get that man butt. 
  • I am here for man butt. 

I have peed 2 times during this film and decided to tell the people I keep climbing over that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome for some reason.

  • Whoops, drunk–cisions. 
  • Also the previously mentioned pimples are burns or something. I think Christian is supposed to be moody because of these burns? 

We are at the climax (pun intended) now. 

Ana, why aren't you using your safe word while he whips you with that thingy?

  • Seriously, if he is hurting you, say it!
  • SAY THE SAFE WORD. THE SAFE WORD IS "RED." Even I remember that, and I'm drunk. 
  • Seriously, he is all like, "you can leave whenever," and you have a safe word and he is like letting you say what you are comfortable with and shit. WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING THE SAFE WORD, ANA?
  • On the real, Christian Grey takes "no" better than most frat boys I know. 

I leave with 2 things: 

  • This was a PSA for elevators
  • This was also far better than the book. 
    • But the book is complete shit, so that's not saying much.