It’s a common misconception that Amy Gutmann is the reigning authority figure at Penn. But according to Highbrow (and who do you trust more than us), the true monarchs within our community cannot be found in the admissions office or in any administrative position for that matter. That dude who you noticed carrying a camera around the party last weekend? Yeah, he’s the one who really runs your life.

Ask yourselves, why do people attend Brunch on the Battleship, for example, when they could spend a lovely Saturday being functional humans? Okay, we know that mimosas are involved, and we respect that. But it’s also worth noting that a percentage of the people who attend these events have motives besides getting drunk on a Saturday. They’re doin’ it for the pics.

Instead of paying attention to where that cute boy on the baseball team went, you were busy locating the photographer to make sure he snapped a pic of you dropping it low on the dance floor. Coincidence that when you noticed a camera nearby, you started twerking? Probs not.

And why, oh why, on a night when you really should be doing your Econ homework, are you loading and re–loading your newsfeed? It’s because you vaguely remember beckoning the photographer to take yet another pic of you being #fun. Now, you are fearfully waiting for the album to hit Facebook. On the one hand, you feel like you were looking pretty fly that night, and there’s a sliver of a chance that these new shots spice up your FB profile. The most likely outcome, though, is that each photo features you employing the good old combination of “drunk eyes” and a “drunk smile.” The classic ‘lights on, no one’s home’ type of look.

So, with the weekend fast approaching, let’s bring the power back to the people. Avoid the cameraman altogether this weekend or, at the very least, harass him at the beginning of the night while you still have your life together. Focus on having a dance sesh with your friends or even finding that cute boy you spotted earlier, rather than flash photography.


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