I took a break after class to go against millennia of finely tuned human evolution and get the hair waxed off of my vagina, since for some reason looking pre–pubescent is in right now. I recorded the experience so others can make informed decisions and/or get a glimpse into the fun and flirty life of the modern female.
4:48 I get in the Uber. Paul, my driver, asks, "European Wax Center? What's that? Never heard of it." "Like eyebrow waxes and stuff," I respond offhandedly. "Oh I gotcha, so you getting an eyebrow wax?" "...Yep...!"
5:02 As we get further down Chestnut, I can feel myself getting jumpy and butterflies are fluttering in stomach.
5:04 I walk in and give my name, "Okay you're all checked in."
5:05 Jess calls my name and I follow her back to the second door on the right.
5:07 You know how in the doctor's office they leave and give you a sheet to cover yourself with so there's some semblance of privacy? Yeah none of that here. I walk in, take off my pants and thong, and apologize for my ugly socks in an attempt to make casual conversation. "It's laundry day."
5:09 It's my second wax in a row, so I'm hoping it won't hurt as much as the first one. She spreads the hot wax on my bikini line and I'm officially committed. She promises it'll be easier since I recently had one.The wax has cooled and she rips it off. "See it doesn't hurt as much does it?" I grimace and she laughs, "okay so still a bit." Yeah, just a bit.
5:12 It's definitely going better than last time. She tells me to breathe as she pulls the hair out of my vag in the more sensitive spots, so it's almost like a new extreme yoga.
5:14 We've been chatting, having a great convo while she continues to layer hot wax on different sections of my lady parts. Her sister is pregnant! Rip. But neither her nor I want to have kids for a while. Rip. I tell her about the Uber driver. Rip.
5:17 Just the finishing touches now! I barely notice the last few tweezes because at this point I'm hovering somewhere between numb and on fire. "Okay now hold your knees to your chest. Oh wait no it's just a full." "Yeah I'm gonna pass on the butt strip today, hopefully nobody's seeing my asshole in the near future."
5:18 I walk out and pay, with a good tip for the nice girl who just stared into my crotch more than anyone should ever have to. There's a girl in the lobby I recognize and make eye contact with. I assume she goes to Penn, but have absolutely no idea who she is or how I know her. We smile and wave in solidarity with a hint of mild shame. It was an honest acknowledgement that yes, we both, like women of the yore and generations to come, have hair down there. Even Beyoncé.