Twas’ the night before Fling, and all throughout Penn, not a student was working, but blackout by ten. Bankers handles arranged on the counter with care, in the hopes that the pregame would render them bare. And the freshmen all nestled in their shitty dorm beds, while visions of debauchery danced in their heads.

But before we can give our Fling critique, let's look back on those mistakes made last week.

With the run–up to the greatest weekend of the year, it’s no surprise tensions (and testosterone) have been running high. A source informed us that Theos guys were all–too enraged when Oz kids came to their party last Friday. Once brothers noticed the impOzters, they started a huge fight that turned quite physical, and the confrontation even continued outside of Smokes’ later that night. Can we all just agree to coexist on this campus? Don’t get your pan(T)y(heos) in such a twist.

Hold on to your Insomnia, Baby Quakes. Around 42nd and Pine, one Penn student was approached by a suspicious group of minors who just couldn’t keep their hands out of the cookie jar, apparently. According to local crime reports, when one of the ruffians tried to steal the young woman’s cell phone, "he grabbed what turned out to be a big cookie” instead (this is literally what the official report stated). Because we all understand what it’s like to be as dialed in on a good cookie as you are on your iMessage. Thankfully, undercover police observed the crime and apprehended the five adolescents. All we can say is good(ie) thing the kiddies got their just desserts, and our friend still fed her sweet tooth.

Speaking of eating cookies, at the Sig Nu chapter house last week, a brother and his lady friend got into some frisky business. After downing large volumes of wine during a stay–in date, the two decided it would be a good idea to have sex in the frat’s chapter room. While maneuvering to have floor sex, our lustful lady ended up drunkenly toppling off the couch, completely shattering her wine glass in the process. The accident cut up her leg so badly that the two almost made moves to the hospital, but resorted to using an extensive amount of gauze instead. Hey, we’re all for some good ol’ spontaneous floor sex, but maybe this time the two should’ve put a cork in it before getting Sig Nu–dey.


All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.