Did you get NSOoo wasted last weekend? Even if you didn’t, Highbrow’s here to welcome you back to Penn with this week’s reckless Round Up. For all those freshmen that posted in the Penn 2020 group about embodying the “work hard, play hard” mentality, here’s a little insight into what that really means. 

One naked and unafraid ZBT boy took “Dicks out for Harambe” a little too seriously this NSO whilst wandering up and down the floors of an unnamed apartment complex. During his naked hunt for the bathroom, he made his way into a sophomore’s apartment, where she graciously handed him a towel to cover up. Unfortunately, her kindness was mistaken for flirtation and he asked her if she and her roommate would like to join him for a threesome. She sent him packing, but let's hope that her next package will come from the new Amazon Center. 

In the spirit of New Student Disorientation, a sophomore boy confused befriending your GA with boyfriending your GA when they had a late–night hookup. The following morning, he realized he’d left his shoes behind and went back for them, only to find a room full of freshmen there for office hours. After the sophomore was uncomfortably introduced as the GA’s “friend ;),” the eager freshmen girls quickly realized what had gone down between the two Penn men. We guess being teacher's pet isn't so bad after all. 

The awkward sexual run–ins didn't stop there, since SAE seems to fit the bill(iard) when it comes to cue–ing up unconventional sex. Highbrow hears they have a long–standing tradition of sinking more than pockets atop their pool table. This year, however, bystanders through the window got a full view of the snookers nookie. Chalk it up to experience? 

In a similar “game” that involves multiple holes and one set of balls, a Sig Chi senior put the swag in SWUG when he decided to experiment with four–play. He took not one, not two, but three lovely ladies back to his bedroom. We know that good things come in threes, but what about fours? 

During what we’d call an unforgettable NStOe, A's and Theos' Pool Party posed many podiatric problems. Highbrow hears one Castle sophomore jumped into the pool and made quite a splash. Except, instead of a flood there was nothing but blood, because a glass shard made its way into his foot. 

An SAE senior faced a similar sole-crushing fate while traversing Bamboo Bar barefoot. After bouncers helped carry our wounded warrior out, the senior ended his day by receiving 30 stitches from the incident. Still, one freshman accomplished an even more incredible feat (feet?) when he nearly managed to lose a valuable appendage at the Pool Party. While other freshman boys were trying to score digits, this one was losing them. It’s safe to say his freshman year definitely won’t be starting off on the right foot.


All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.