Clean your room

Hide the needles and throw out those skulls. The weekend will go much smoother if your mom doesn’t find your bondage paraphernalia.

Bribe a VP librarian 

to high–five you when you walk in. The more you seem like a regular, the better. 

Pro tip: Hold a VP librarian hostage with said bondage paraphernalia in your room.

Repeatedly stab yourself with a fork during meals

Guaranteed to be less painful than the dinner table conversation.

Gouge your eyes out

You won’t see the disappointment on their faces AND it’s something to talk about besides your classes. Win–win!

Take a shot

Every time either parent says “career services.”


Every time either parent says “I.”


When they make you take a picture in front of the LOVE statue and/or button and/or Ben Franklin.


Take them on a tour of 41st and 42nd streets. They’re going to ask how you know the area so well. There are only so many urban studies homework assignments that you could have had this semester.