While the Sorting Hat has final say, Highbrow’s got a few tricks up our cloak sleeves to make sure you Slytherin to the right house.


Do all the brain age puzzles and take a full course load of philosophy classes. You need to be sharper than the teeth of a Cornish Pixie to make the cut for this house of witty wizards. It wouldn’t hurt to brush up on some useless facts by playing all versions of trivial pursuit with your family over break—and remember that The Quibbler is absolutely to be taken in all seriousness. If all else fails, steal a crown from your mother, give it to a thoroughly disturbed boy, wait until he turns into a dark lord and uses it as a horcrux and then reveal its location really cryptically to the latest chosen one. Do this and the Sorting Hat will fall in Lovegood with you.


Hufflepuffs are excellent finders, so, before you come back from winter break, bust out that Remembrall and locate any and all lost items. It also would probably be in your best interest to stalk Eddie Redmayne and worship the ground he walks on, as he is a truly accomplished Hufflepuff, but that’s just a life tip. Show off your desire to work for the common good by permanently putting to rest those sequined Uggs you still have in your closet from middle school—even if they’re the most comfortable slices of heaven you or Cedric Diggory ever stepped your weary feet into.


So you’re probably a triple legacy, or at least a double—the rules have gotten so lax these days it’s hard to say anymore—, but one of your family members was definitely in this house. Don’t think you’re a shoe–in, though. Spend your holiday stewing in rage and then let it all out on the first redhead you see in hand–me–down clothes. It would help if you lacked in morals but excelled in determination. It’s not necessary to Severus all ties with people in other houses, but you should toy around with the idea of what would happen should you rearrange the letters in your name. It’s best if you don’t have any outstanding forearm tattoos either—best to save that space for extracurriculars you might pick up hanging out with some Lestrangers down the road.


If you want to Weasley your way into Gryffindor, it helps to have some Sirius courage. If there’s a really tall kid on your floor who looks a little rough around the edges but is weirdly into animals and motorcycles, befriend him. Same with the ginger and the annoyingly smart girl with fluffy hair. They’ll either drag you into or help get you out of trouble during your remaining years at school. It would probably be in your best interest to pick up the latest in broom technology and carry it around with you whether or not you’re heading to Quidditch practice. 

Most of all, if there’s one thing we and Albus Severus learned, it’s that the Sorting Hat will take your bias into consideration and all you need to do is ask. Mischief Managed.