Wannabe–headless Nick: You would think, wouldn’t you, that getting hit 45 times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt? Half an inch of skin and sinew holding my neck on… Most people would think that’s good and beheaded.

Snape on dealing with poisoned (read: drunk) friends: Just shove a bezoar down their throat.

TMI Headmaster: I took a wrong turn on the way to the bathroom and found myself in a beautifully proportioned room I had never seen before, containing a really rather magnificent collection of chamberpots.

Lavender Brown confronting a Skewrt: What’s that pointy thing on it? 

Druggie Dumbledore: P.S. I enjoy acid pops.