To the chair of Mask & Wig: I'd like to sit on that.

To Phi Delt: Stop asking me, "Who do you know here" when I step onto your porch. I'm your next door neighbor and am trying to get inside my house.

To the girl whose nose started bleeding during the blowjob: Thanks for letting me finish.

To the SAE boy who thinks his dick is God's gift to women: Your inability to recognize a fake orgasm makes me think you've never given a real one.

To the A's boy who acted too bougie to buy the generic version of Plan B: This is why I don't want to have your child.

To the A's boy from homecoming: I think I left my bra in your pantry.

To the girl I see walking out of Wawa each day with Mac and Cheese: Never change.

To the boy who ghosted me after I threw up in his bed: I think that was an overreaction.

To my hot philosophy TA: Violets are blue, roses are red, God is dead, hop in my bed.

To Street: Fuck you. It's been four years and you haven't published me.

To 24639/UPennAlert: Thank you for being more consistent with your 2 a.m. texts than any of my hookup buddies.

To the girl who submitted me to the Round Up: Jokes on you, now I'm famous.

To my sorority sister whose ex I'm now hooking up with: Tough.

To whomever controls the music at Theos: Keep blasting it. I get a power trip every time I call the cops on you.

To all Penn gentile–men: I'm taking a break from Jewish hookups. Challah at me.

To the freshman girl with a spreadsheet of frat addresses: No words.

To my semi–consistent Sig Chi hookup: Thanks for turning so many of my sorority sisters into my eskimo sisters.

To Oz: I'm the freshman girl who leaked the email… My b.

To Benjamin Franklin: Thanks for building an institution where at any moment I am either fucked, fucking, fucked up or fucking up.

To the guy who pretends he's on a jog to get past the DP guy at the compass despite wearing jeans & crocs and stopping 50 feet later: You're fooling no one. Sincerely, DP guy.

To the TEP sophomore who was confused why I didn't respond to his nudes: Your waxed asshole made me felt like I was getting nudes from a three–year–old.

To the girl who got with my little brother in the TEP bathroom: He's 17 and is not in fact a Junior at Harvard

To my Wharton roommates: I need a trigger warning every time you say "Bain."

To my friend who's hooking up with two guys named Aaron: This is too confusing.

To the whoever puts floss in the SDT toilet: This is weird. At least flush.

To the freshman who was robbed by a pimp in Atlantic City: Did you at least get laid first?

To @yungbenfranklin: I spend more time on your page than I do in my econ lecture.


To freshman flu: Thanks for forcing me to spend all my weed money on tissues and DayQuil.

To MERT: I fucked up.

To the girl at a party who heard I was bi and proceeded to smash into my face with her lips: There's experimenting and then there's… whatever the fuck this is.

To writing seminar: I don't need justificatory reasoning to prove that this is bullshit.

To Pilam: One time I got really high and stole a brick from your roof. My bad.

To the sophomore girl who fucked all of Theos last semester: I respect the fact that you carry lube in your purse at all times. You go, girl.

To Oz: If this election cycle has taught you anything, deny any criminal activity with respect to the emails until the end.

To the hot dental students next door: My roommates and I would open wide for all of you.

To the student in my music class with a three–year–old child: I'm sorry what?

To the guy at Smokes' who said, "I'm not gay but…": There is no way to finish this sentence and still be straight.

To my roommate: It’s nice that you remembered to attach your Fendi charm to your Louis backpack before volunteering in West Philly. So proud.

To Owls: What was the rationale behind the 3+ American flags you have hanging in your living room?

To the boy who pretended to put on a condom when I asked you to but didn't: Jokes on you, I tested positive for chlamydia

To the Oax girls in the Oax hats, tanks and hoodies all at once: Are you in Oax?

To drunk me: Please for the love of God stop if you have any self respect stop eating popcorn in the bed, we have to sleep here :(

To the boy who thought I gave him an STD: All of my tests came back negative so I literally have no idea what is wrong with your penis.

To Penn: The most important thing I've learned here is that I give good enough head to marry rich. Not sure whether this reflects more poorly on me or you.

To my ex: Yes, I keep putting you down as my emergency contact at flywheel, and yes, it is a cry for help.

To the guy in my econ class with overtly nimble fingers: Meet me at the bio pond in a fortnight's time.

To the two horndogs of SDT who created the Spotify playlist "Tunes to flick the bean to": God bless your souls.


To Mike Pence: But, like, have you even tried dick? If you just explored your prostate you'd understand.

To Bruce, the manager of the 40th St. CVS, who always asks why I'm buying condoms: Balloon animals.

To sober me: Shoutout for deleting my ex's contact but fuck you to drunk me for finding screenshots of his number and texting him anyway.

To Owls: Are the dad caps part of some mandatory dress code?

To the blonde sophomore who always shows up to Theos/Owls late nights alone: Good for you, I can't even walk to class alone.

To Mrs. Bui: Thank you for providing the only stable form of support in my life.

To my hot MEAM TA: Did you delete me off of tinder because you realized I was your student, or because you're not into it? I go to office hours every week to figure it out.

To the boy whose butt I impulsively fingered: It’s pretty bold that you tell your friends as much as I do, seeing as we both remember how much you loved it.

To CollegiateACB: Please come back into my life. How else am I supposed to keep tabs on what kids in Apes are doing?

To my hot blonde Econ TA: It would be pareto optimal for us to hook up.

To every girl wearing Adidas superstars: Do the words "Uggs" and "middle school" ring a bell?

To the impressively quiet girl who fooled me into thinking the 2nd floor huntsman bathroom was empty: I'm so fucking sorry.

A haiku for the old alumnus who yells at me and spits in my face at the Compass about the DP not reviewing his poetry: I give you the news / please don't give me the weather / why are you still here?

To the Locust flyerer that said, "Let's black out tonight!" and handed me a flyer: I'm not sure what you're advertising, but I'm intrigued.

To the boy who tried to go down on me while I was on my period: Do you understand what a period is?

To the freshman who tried to show me how to take a shot: Not sure a sip of beer is a shot, but good try.

To frats that have their date nights in tents: This isn't a date night. It's just a tent.

To Oz: You've been holding off on your apology for that email for so long. You're such a tease!

To the girls who got with the triplets at the same time: Best two out of three?

To the girl who lost her phone at the backlot darty: That which you seek lies betwixt the grill.

To the SDT junior who threw up all over my food and possessions: My birkenstocks!!!

To the guy who wanted me to wear my Captain America suit when we hooked up: Could you have done your country a service and finished blowing me?

To the Castle guy I hooked up with who insisted on buying Pellegrino instead of drinking tap water: Do you know you're a cliché?

To my roommate who sleeps in the chair in our living room every night: Hope you like sleeping in my boyfriend's semen.

To the girl that gives amazing head: I just wish there was more inside of yours.

To the newly renovated bathrooms in DRL: You're the only reason I show up to my recitations.

To the guy who accidentally swallowed my earring while hooking up: Fuck double standards—this would have been an acceptable time to spit.

To the A's male who left my date night to hook up with two girls: I'm not sure whether to be pissed at you, congratulate you or learn from you.

To all the fuckbois out there: You don't even deserve a Y (chromosome).

To Oz: Y'all are cute but your poetry needs work.

To my roommate who kept cheese hidden in her bed all semester: You've gotta Brie kidding me.

To the Europeans in Castle: Get circumcised.

To the Apes boy who likes to drink tea in Rittenhouse: Take me on a real date next time.

To my hand: Thanks for all the orgasms.

To Highbrow: I hear better gossip sitting outside frontera for two minutes than the Round Up this year. You should try it sometime.

To the girl whose virginity I took whilst flaccid: I promise it gets better.

To the Kappa Sig guy who has my bra: It's been two years. What the fuck are you doing with it?

To that one aggressively blonde sophomore: You look like a Walmart Reese Witherspoon.

To Apes: Thought this was an acronym for AP Environmental science. My bad.

To my ex: Sorry I cheated on you. Super sorry you're (maybe?) finding out about it through a shoutout.

To the guy I've been dating for like eight months: I was really just hoping to get your printer when you moved out tbh.

To the guy who made an artistic film about our breakup and put it on social media: Your feelings are just a lot.

To the guy I hooked up with the night I broke up with my boyfriend: He thought I went too soon, I know you came too soon.

To my beautiful bowl: Friends come and go, but weed is forever. Happy Thanksgiving, dear.

To my physical chemistry textbook: Thank you for making me feel better doing lines off of you, now that I know the molecular structure of cocaine.

To the guy who added me on LinkedIn 20 minutes after I left his bed: Glad to see your desperation for a blow job is matched only by your desperation for a real job.

To the Tri–Delt senior "making 82.5 k next year": Did you really need to include the third digit?

To the guy who sexted me at work all summer: Your return offer does not apply to my pants.

To the random guy I gave my number to in Chipotle: Wasn't quite sure how to say no, but thank God Kars4Kids has an easy number to remember.

To Oz: For a group of guys who named themselves after a wizard, you sure do a poor job at making your emails disappear.

To the Theta girl in my French class: The number of Cartier bracelets you wear is inversely proportional to how many people like you.

To the Owls optimist: Telling me that I can repeat my outfit because nobody saw it at brunch is not the consolation I needed after standing in that line for three hours before being sent home.

To my apartment–mates who pretend not to hear me banging my booty call at all hours of the day: I'm so, so sorry. Not sorry enough to stop, but still pretty sorry.

To the 133: Y'all are so innocent… it's cute?

To the guy Googling, "Can't find her clit in the dark" during lecture: Does this mean you are actively searching in the light?

To Wharton: Is a choking fetish a prereq for admission? I thought you strived for diversity…

To the employee at Insomnia who gives me cookies for free: My literal sugar daddy.

To a hot Saxbys barista: You're the only blonde roast I'm here for ;-).

To the SDT Senior with the furiously curly locks: We've never met, but your hair somehow always ends up in my mouth.

To the nose of the ZBT boy I've been hooking up with: You may not be attractive, but you make receiving oral pretty damn amazing

To Penn midterms season: I wish my hookup could last half as long as you.

To my friends on my floor: I'm so glad we're at the point where we have a shared spreadsheet of hookups.

To the Fiji boy who kept licking my asshole: You are what you eat.

To the ZBT senior who aggressively finger–banged me: At least learn where the right hole is.

To the guy who *apparently* wrapped Christmas lights around me while I was blacked: You light up my life.

To TEP: You wouldn’t let me use your bathroom, so I peed in your basement. Sorry not sorry.

To the guy who sat down, spilled beer across the table from me at Smokes', then promptly left: I’m SO wet.

To Owls: Which house are you going to give a bid for this year?

To Apes: I stole six of your monogrammed shot glasses and I'm not even a little bit sorry.

To the new nail salon: Thanks for giving me somewhere to SABS. Frontera was getting old.

To the Theos boy with the hot mom: What happened to you?

To my drug dealer: Thanks for the extra you gave me after the election, you get me.