To Whom It May Concern:
I’m writing in regards to a summer internship at your company this summer. I’m aware that an application this late in the year is unconventional, but I assume that my connection has a position high enough up in your company for you to offer me a job anyways. In the case that you are reluctant to hire another summer intern at this belated time, I will outline my most important skills for you to consider while you skim through my resume.
First of all, I would like to remind you of what’s most important—not what I can offer your company, but rather who you might upset by accidentally not hiring me. If you’re unsure, please mention my father’s name to your higher up. Trust me, you’re all better off if they’re on good terms.
Secondly, we both know you’ve already filled enough positions with overachieving college students with 4.0 GPAs and excellent work ethic. What I can offer your company, however, is different. Growing up on the Upper East Side and going to a prestigious prep school, for example, taught me how to know important people. If your company ever requires the assistance of somebody with whom my father doesn’t play golf, or with whom my mother isn’t on a fundraising committee, you can rest assured that I’ve been honing my own networking skills since birth. If my connections and namedropping skills were enough for the Penn admissions committee to disregard my unexceptional scores on my application, I assure you they will prove to be an asset at your company.
Furthermore, I have made strategic use of all the resources offered to me here at Penn. While some students thought it most important to perfect their resumes at Career Services and attend all the career fairs, I have always known what will really help in a predicament. I have maintained good relations with both Penn Dems and College Republicans, fully understanding that one must be prepared for power to shift at any moment.
I thank you in advance for your consideration and ultimate job offer. You can contact me at douche@wharton.upenn.edu, but honestly just call my dad and he’ll pass on the good news.
Sincerely,
Well-Connected Ivy League Student
