Drunk Owls guy: “Let me know when you’re done with these nice New York Jews and you’re ready for a sketchy international Jew.”

Spectator at Wharton Amazon case comp: “I don’t know who I want to win but I know who I want to win the least.”

SuperPAC employee: “I have to figure out how to register to vote.”

OCRn’t You Over It: “She was just sitting there, applying to things on Handshake. I was Handshook.”

SWUG: “I’m going to cry and cum at the same time.”

Frosh footballer: “I just kept fucking up the bodyshots.”

Mayor Kenney: “I thought Nixon was bad, but this is worse.”

Cultural linguist: “Was it all of the Jonases? The Jonii, if you will.”

Truth-teller: “He thinks I’m from Texas. That’s like, hating someone.”

Quad dweller: “You don’t pee in your sink? That’s, like, so weird.”