Hurry. The fuck. Up. Can’t you tell by my giant coffee and headphones that I am late for something? To all you slow walkers on Locust, this is an unequivocal callout on your bullshit. Stop photographing the foliage—it’s red, big fucking deal. Get off your phone. And for the love of all that is holy, stop with the 30 second meet–and–greets; nobody is really that excited to see you. Cut the shit.

As fellow students, we all know what it is like to be stuck behind somebody who is enjoying their amble down Locust while you are just trying to turn in your pset before lecture. There you are, distraught and sleep–deprived, and you're forced to see how good of a time this person is having. Don’t do it to somebody else. Please, speed up.

Locust Walk is strictly business between :20–:30 and :50–:00 on the hour. These are high stakes times when nobody has time for your slow ass. Would you ever stand in the middle of the sidewalk on 5th Avenue and expect New Yorkers not to be furious? No? Then why do it here?
Weaving through groups of tourists, brushing past families shuffling over to sit with the pee statue, and dodging Kite and Key tour groups left and right make traversing Locust hellish enough, so please, get out the way

And God forbid, if you are walking so slow that people flyering on Locust feel welcome to talk to me, or ask me to buy tickets to their fucking a capella show, I will find out who you are. And I will personally make you go to every showing of every a capella group on campus. And it won’t be free.