Whartonite: “My ex was too nice to choke me. I felt bad.”

Spinster: "Can we submit Penn Crushes for each other?"

Self–aware self deprecator: "I would have bullied myself as a child."

A really nice friend: “You’ve studied way more than me but know way less.” 

Not Nick Cannon: “Mariah Carey just is Christmas to me. It goes: Mariah Carey, then Jesus, then Santa.”

Modern–day Don Juan: “I’m not a heartbreaker, I’m a dick provider.”