Sad Boi studying in Arch: “I don’t deserve Moelis.” 

Philanthropic Frat Star: “I would date a normal girl. I wouldn’t even mind hooking up with a poor one!”

Puppy Lover: “I hooked up with him because he had a cute dog.”

OCR Enthusiast: “Even when I’m naked, I look business casual.”

Young Monica Lewinsky: "I highkey have made some of my most important career connections by hooking up with Penn guys."

Indignant Consumer: “Peanuts aren’t even nuts. That’s fucked.”

Minty–Fresh Junkie: “Do you ever get the urge to snort Altoids?"

Woke Spring Breaker: “We went to a bikini contest on international women’s day."

News Enthusiast 1: “So apparently the Statesman has another print copy.”

News Enthusiast 2: “You know... I do think we need equal representation in intelligence.”