Observant Foodie: Watching sorority girls figure out who they’re taking to date night is like watching an episode of Chopped. 

Bro Who Belongs in GSWS: Dude, is this like, sexist? 

Cliterature Bro: No, dude. I’m just interviewing girls about the female orgasm. For class. 

Wharton Transfer Applicant: I’m so passionate about business. I just love shopping! 

Depressed Dealer: I don’t have Advil, but I can give you some anti–depressants. 

Should Work in Admissions: Good looking people should go to this school for free. Because think about it, people on tours will see them on campus and want to go here. 

Sensitive Girl Talking About a CIS Boy: His emotions reset every 24 hours. 

Already Peaked: Dude, I fucked more girls in high school than I did in college. 

Seeking Free–Range, Organic Cock: Should I re–download Grindr for when I go to Trader Joe’s? 

Nose Picker or Coke Sniffer: Not to be too graphic, but the inner lining of my nose was compromised after. 

Prospective 69th Street Writer: You really have to think about orgasms while having sex, otherwise they never happen. 

Chic Doomsday Prepper: I have some bug protein in my backpack. Do you want to try some?