Heartbroken Cowgirl: “Both of my past boyfriends cheated on me at rodeos.”

One Woke™ Boy: “No, I’m objectifying MEN.”

Date Night Invitee: “Fucking Goldman won’t tell me when the drug test is.”

No New Friends: “I want to throw myself a birthday party. The theme is me.”

Sophomore, upon seeing a wasp: "Did it have a skinny little waist that made you feel bad about your body?"

Poli Sci Professor: “Behind every horse race is either a sugar daddy or a trust fund.”

New Years Resolution–er: “It’s 2019, and this pussy just hit reset.”

Wharton Professor: "I know everyone's into money but like, I don't really get it."

Spicy Food Enthusiast: “My mouth was writing checks that my butthole couldn’t cash.”