PSA to Jeff Bezos: “There’s something in your pants that makes girls want to fuck you. It’s not your dick, it’s your wallet.”

Metro Bakery Attendee: “I’ve heard way too many ‘guys who screwed me over’ stories in the past week and it’s not like the guys were even hot.”

Boxed Brownie Elitist: “I would like a dealer that makes brownies that are Ghirardelli instead of Betty Crocker.”

Junior, post SHS visit: “Dude, she fingered my asshole. I fell off the table—it was so aggressive.”

Realist: "Who is she shaving her legs for in FEBRUARY?"