Person who doesn't know how to talk to twins: "Half the time I can tell twins apart."

Needy vegetable ex–lover: "Am I getting ghosted by Hip City Veg?"

Drunk guy with a tenuous grasp on human anatomy: “I have an eyebrow in my eye! It's in my eye for sure.”

Sleep–deprived professor: “No, I don’t actually have a cocaine fund.”

Girl who's amazed by smartphones: “It’s literally so weird how you, like, tap on your screen and it, like, does things.”