Girl Who Calls Saxbys Cheugy: "I'm like pistachio milk—I'm high maintenance, expensive, and hard to find."

Aspiring Larry David: "I'm not angry. I'm just Jewish." 

Someone Who Should Be in Therapy: "I think Dave Portnoy is really hot."

Socially Conservative, Fiscally Conservative: "There is actually a way to place a dollar value on a human life."

Solar Power Apologist (We Hope): "This is not the girl who made the Catching Fire soundtrack."

The Reason Acme is Out of Quaker Oats: "Oatmeal is an aphrodisiac."