My Name In Big Letters

Where I Live [in smaller letters]
Insert City, State Here
My Phone Number [but please don’t call me, I’ll probably send to voicemail] 

Month Date, Year [mark this as a few days before I’m actually writing it so I seem prepared and well thought out, even if I’m writing this the day of]

Recruiter Name [copy–pasted off the company website]
Company Address That I Already Stalked On Google Maps
Insert City, State Here

Dear Recruiter Who I Stalked on LinkedIn,

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diem nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut lacreet dolore magna aliguam erat volutpat. [Make sure to delete the auto–filled nonsense from the Google Docs cover letter template.] 

I am a current [insert year here, even though it’s perfectly clear on my resume] student at the University of Pennsylvania [insert specific school here] [if in two schools, make sure to mention the duality immediately, especially if one of them is Wharton], and am writing to apply for [insert job name here]. With my prior work in [name drop a previous internship or job], coupled with my personal interest in [field that this job is in], I am confident that I possess the necessary skills that will allow me to excel in this position and contribute to your company [or, that I can pretend to know what I’m talking about until you stop listening to me]. 

Now, I’m going to tell you about a past job or general academic experience, and exaggerate my role to sound interesting and leader–y with the purpose of convincing you to give me an interview! Rest assured, it’ll be something relevant to the job, and even if it isn’t, I’ll make it relate somehow. Maybe I’ll tell you about my research assistant job where I learned so much about the value of academia [in which I procrastinated so hard that the research director had to personally call my phone to submit my data, but you don’t know that hahahaha]. Or maybe I’ll tell you about my internship last summer with [insert big firm name here], where realistically I just wrote emails, but I’ll pretend I learned a lot of skills such as ‘career management’ and ‘mediating’ and did cool stuff like ’implementing’ something or ‘reformulating.' If I’m feeling spicy, I’ll even include a reference to some super niche volunteering I’ve done in hopes of standing out and maybe earning pity points. Am I just regurgitating my resume? Don’t think about it too hard!

I’m running out of words in my max word count, so now I’ll quickly reference how my experience as a student at Penn has taught me to develop [pick three: time management, thoughtfulness, precision, communication skills, detail orientation. For more just Google Search ‘synonyms of organization’ and you’re set]. I’ll make sure to mention I’m proficient in another language [probably Spanish, even though I haven’t thought about it since taking AP Spanish in high school and would sweat profusely if I’m ever asked to actually speak it], and to emphasize how deeply experienced I am with both Microsoft Office AND Google Suite [just Microsoft isn’t cutting it these days!]. I’m not like other applicants, I promise—you can especially tell because I actually picked out the fourth Cover Letter template on Google Docs, instead of using the first, and changed the text colors to be quirky!

Finally, I’ll tell you how I am so eager/excited/enthusiastic about this job, really, pinky–promise, cross–my–heart! In fact, I would be so honored to get this job that I’ll name my first–born child after you, dear recruiter [don’t say that]. I’ve already repeated all of the cover letter buzzwords I could find on Google and made it clear that I know how to use a thesaurus, so now I’ll just pretty–please–with–a–cherry–on–top ask you for an interview, please please please. I’d be available whenever you’re available, and even when you aren’t available, I’ll be available! Thank you so much for your thoughtful consideration. 

Best regards,

My Name In Big Letters [again, just in case they forgot]