Lowbrow

Dear Googlers, Seriously guys, what the fuck? You punks disgust me, you sick group of morally depraved sociopaths.
September 27, 2007 at 12:00 am

Our time at Penn is filled with firsts: first dates, first Greek Lady gyros, first staph infections, the list goes on.
September 20, 2007 at 12:00 am

Most Likely to Succeed ... and Then be Stuck in a Failed Marriage, Sip on Daily Cocktails of Xanax, Valium and Prozac, Have a Couple of Kids That You Don't Give a Shit About and That You Send to Boarding School, Then Have an Affair With the Au Pair That You Supposedly Fired Two Years Ago But Who Still Shows Up to "Polish the Silver," but Still Have Money (Lots of Money) - You Wake Up, Count Your Money, Go to Work, Count the Money in Your Stateside Account, Then Call Up Your Bank in the Caymans and Count That Money - Then Smile, Tell Your Assistant You Can Buy and Sell Him on the Floor of the NYSE, and Kill a Homeless Man on Your Way Home for Fun: Wharton Most Likely to Wear the Same Outfit Everyday for the Rest of Their Lives: Nursing Most Likely to Expel Noxious Toxins (Smell Bad): Engineering Most Likely to Wear the Same Outfit Everyday for the Rest of Their Lives: Nursing
April 19, 2007 at 12:00 am

Dear Jesus, Hey, G, what's up? It's us, the Low Brow crew. The semester is almost over, and we just wanted to check in with you.
April 19, 2007 at 12:00 am

To the Theo's junior: Try make sure your hookup is actually home before you decide to spend the night passed out naked on our bathroom floor. To the sophomore in Simply Chaos: Stop stealing material from Comedy Central Presents.
April 5, 2007 at 12:00 am

To, like, the girl in, like, my Film History class who, like, likes to say the word like, like all the time: Shut the fuck up before I, like, vomit all over your vocal cords so, like, they finally smell the way you talk. To nap: I really like doing you in the afternoon in my bed. To the kid who decided to take a shit in the Hill stairwell: You suck at life.
April 5, 2007 at 12:00 am

Dear Shoutout Submitters, This isn't J-Date. Please stop using the shoutouts as a means of telling someone you want to bone them.
April 5, 2007 at 12:00 am

Worst place for a Penn kid to "act black": Du Bois College House Picture this: it's Friday night and you and your whodis just blazed up a fatass optimo blunt filled with your finest cheba.
March 29, 2007 at 12:00 am

Street: SPEC has made some divisive picks this year. There's James Baker ... he's no John Edwards. And now for Fling, Ben Folds and Third Eye Blind, two mellow bands considering the setting - don't get me wrong, it's not like we need show-us-your-tits bands for people to have fun ... but you see what I'm getting at? Larry Schmilsson: I'd rather not comment.
March 29, 2007 at 12:00 am

To be seeing hearts, stars and clovers by noon this Saturday, pack a warm flask o' Baileys and pony up for Low Brow's St.
March 15, 2007 at 12:00 am

Dear RAs We are not friends. Stop trying so hard. I heard you're planning a pizza-party during Ugly Betty on Thursday and the whole hall is invited to watch in your room.
March 15, 2007 at 12:00 am

Irish morn awakes the curtain moves I peer out to moist ground below the wetness brings me to the bath where I lather and surround my flesh with Irish Springs the bubbles shaped like potatoes which grow steadily and rest like small children against the brown crumbling soil.
March 15, 2007 at 12:00 am

Dear Elevator Romantics. Although stealing gentle kisses from your boo on the elevator in between the 14th and 15th floor seemed sweet at the time, I'm pretty sure I saw the nine-year-old faculty fellow's daughter throw up in her mouth.
February 22, 2007 at 12:00 am

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February 22, 2007 at 12:00 am

1) Pee in the snow (go with the flow) - if it smells like asparagus call it "Response To The Fall Of Agrarian Economy." 2) Vomit on pavement outside Goodfellas, call it "That Jackson Pollock . You Know The One That Looks Like Vomit." 3) Freshman girl passed out in Quad stairwell, change to sepia tone, title: "Nude Descending Staircase." 4) Friend passes out with shoes on - drawings of cock and balls on face … la Picasso.
February 22, 2007 at 12:00 am

Dear Reading, If I could record this for you, I would. Reading is worse than TV for a lot of reasons.
February 15, 2007 at 12:00 am

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February 15, 2007 at 12:00 am

February 8, 2007 at 12:00 am

SWM looking for SWF/SWM/SWT/SBM/MBF/$#*!! for long walks (or short walks. or if you can't walk, that's fine too) on the beach.
February 8, 2007 at 12:00 am

PHILADELPHIA, PA. Area man John Hanson, on the advice of a former girlfriend, married his TiVo last Thursday in a civil ceremony at City Hall.
February 8, 2007 at 12:00 am