You can't keep track of all the wins and L's you've accumulated over the week. Don't worry, we've devised the perfect point system—and Highbrow's here to tally up the score.


-1000

The Penn students that suddenly become football connoisseurs just in time for the Super Bowl. Whether you had front row seats because your family owns 25 percent of the team or bet your weekly debit card balance on last night’s game, let’s stop pretending that you cared at all before yesterday. We know you’re way more excited that the Dow is up this week.

+1000

Tom Brady and his perfectly unshaven Super Bowl scruff. That’s all.


+500

This moderate winter weather. Although it’s chilly enough for you to wear your warmest coat, it’s not quite cold enough to see your breath on your morning walk to class. Although our beloved groundhog Phil predicted six more weeks of winter last Thursday, Highbrow is wondering where the fuck winter has been to begin with. Winter at Penn lasts for the week of girl’s rush, and that’s about it.

-2000

The ill–informed students who think that this abnormally warm weather is nothing to be worried about, claiming that global warming is a myth. Highbrow sends our thoughts and prayers out for your future children and for our own. But mostly for yours.

+1000

Sorority bid parties. Out with the washed–up, in with the fresh meat—except who could feel washed up on Recess’ sticky, vodka soda–slicked floor at 12 a.m. on a Thursday? Not us. Anyways, we appreciated the no cover and the opportunity to save ourselves from the inevitably stressful situation of showing our fake IDs at the door. +1000 for 18+.

-5000

The bouncers. Whether you stood in line in the cold for over an hour or got turned away because the bouncers randomly decided to stop letting in anyone under 21 and started actually caring about fakes, Highbrow feels for you. We know you spent over $20 getting there, and ticked off three years of your life achieving a good clean blackout at the pregame. But hey, let’s hope you at least got some shitty relationship advice from your Uber driver on the way over.

+0

The ratio. Highbrow is going neutral for this point addition. Bid party ratio was bleak for the gentleman of Penn. We’re talking an easy 4:1, guys to girl. What happened to the NSO ratio rules where even the cream of the crop couldn’t get in without four girls vouching for his relevancy? Maybe you’ll get lucky next year boys, but probably not. Your eagerness to go downtown is nevertheless inspiring (Ed note: Highbrow supports gender equality on all fronts, hence the neutrality of this addition.)


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