A friend once suggested that if I really hated vegetarians I should walk around campus with a cow in tow. Every 10 paces or so, I'd stab the bovine and a little blood would spurt out. Not enough to kill it, but enough that there'd be a steady trail of blood down Locust Walk. And, once I had everyone's attention, I'd start slicing off more important body parts -- organs, I dunno. It's all very rough now, but let's just say that arterial spray is critical. Do I have your attention yet?

I have noted a recent surge in vegetarian options springing up on Penn's campus. It's as if a new class of people has formed, with the sole purpose of frustrating and confusing the hired hands. Some do it as a moralistic pledge against the mistreatment of animals. Others do it for health concerns. Come on now, people, be reasonable.

If the cavemen lasted on hunting and gathering, why can't you? Everyone saw what you did last week with that frat guy; you certainly cannot claim "holier than thou" status.

Luckily, you don't have to. We live in so-called enlightened times. And, hey, there are honestly some decent meals that you can eat without killing something that thinks -- tofurkey aside. But, shouldn't plants merit your protection also? At least animals can occasionally run away before the grim hand of death silences them like Old Yeller or Bambi's mom. You know, plants are ALIVE too. They just don't run away quite as fast. A plant is just as good as any animal, probably better. All that is clear is that you can't hear the plant's juice-curdling screams when you bite off a head of lettuce or ravage a fistful of string beans. Trust me, though, you aren't merely staying regular. You are likewise ending a life. Murderer!

Ever hear of a little word called domestication? Yes, PETA, defend the rights of animals bred for the sole purpose of consumption. Those creatures most typically consumed -- chickens, cows, duck bill platypi -- are poor, stupid, defenseless creatures. How long is your pet cow gonna last in the real world? -- let alone on Locust Walk? Plus, it's not like Houston Hall is serving chilled monkey brains. Too expensive, too hairy and too ripped-off from Temple of Doom.

In spite of all this, I am not all that anti-vegetarian. I think that the vegetarian's struggle is a semi-valid one. I just wish you'd follow through and stop eating plants too. Your diet will consist of candy corn, bubblegum and ice cream.

Like any stoic worth his weight in sugar, I also fought with my carnal desires for meat and planty goodness.

30 minutes later, I'm finishing my Hemo's Grilled Chicken sandwich with cheese, lettuce and tomato. Take that, God!

Next time someone tries to save an animal, don't try to run me over with your car, mmmkay? Thanks. Appreciate it. I'm gonna indulge in a rack of lamb.


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